Angry and Overwhelmed

Today, I am collecting samples of my saliva throughout the day to test my cortisol (stress hormone) levels in order to determine the possibility of adrenal fatigue or my adrenals/stress playing a major role in promoting Hashimoto's in my body.  I'm working on the second test tube as I type this.  It takes about 15 minutes for me to get enough in there.  I guess my spit isn't abundant.  I have to collect four total tubes.

This is a test that my insurance will not cover.  The saliva test is more accurate than the blood test for the same hormone.  I think my doctor said the insurance would cover the blood test, but I need accuracy.  I'm tired of fighting this thing.  I'm tired of dealing with chronic health issues and doctor visits.  I'm tired because I do everything I can to take good care of my body - everything I can. 

At this point, I am angry.  I want to feel like a 36 year old who exercises seven days a week, eats a clean, whole foods diet, eats no refined sugar, doesn't smoke or abuse substances, and generally tries to keep a good attitude.  Why?  That's who I am, but sometimes I wake up and feel like I don't want to wake up anymore.  The pain from headaches, procedures on my foot that won't heal, a bum shoulder, a stomach that doesn't want to digest food, is wearing me out.  Not to mention, I was told Monday that my insurance won't cover the procedure that would help my foot heal quickly.  Nope, I have to a make three hours one way trip to the doctor every month and renewed pain with the treatment I receive until this is healed.  Emotionally, while I try to hide it as best I can, I'm up and down.  Anxiety and depression takes its toll as well.  It's hard to admit you have either of those conditions when to the outside world you appear to be functioning fine.  Some days, all I want is to be held by strong arms, smell damp earth, and feel the wind against my face.  All day.  I'm coping well though.  Better than I was, and yoga is the reason.  Fatigue is another big obstacle, but at the moment, I'm caffeinating strongly and taking iron to overcome my anemia as my body isn't absorbing nutrients from my food as it should.

I'm seeing three specialists (neurology, dermatology, and orthopedics) with 1-3 months between visits.  I see my primary care physician at least once every 3 months for bloodwork, further testing based on prior test results, and medication updates.  I have also started seeing my chiropractor regularly in hopes to spread out the visits to the orthopedic doctor.  Honestly, it feels really stupid.  Stupid.  How did I end up here?  Genetics is the simple answer.  When I asked the girls pediatrician at their recent well visit if there was any way I could keep them from ending up here as well, she said, "Not really.  The best we can do is watch for symptoms and catch it early."

Hover the cursor over photos for descriptions.

My foot turns purple almost halfway up my calf after treatments, and throbs with pain.

This is how I look in the mornings on days when I'm very fatigued and/or having a headache. If it is a headache, I'll look this way much of the day. Swelling on the right side of my face.

Because western medicine sees no cure for Hashimoto's and other autoimmune thyroid conditions, the approach is typically to manage a patient's symptoms as best as they can.  For many patients, the management is not enough to allow them to live the life of a normal healthy individual.  Unfortunately, as in other areas of medical breakthrough and dissemination of knowledge, most primary care physicians are not up to date on the latest information surrounding autoimmune diseases of the thyroid and a very many are not even aware of how to properly test for or diagnose them.  Unless they specialize, doctors receive a basic understanding in medical school and not many take up further study in this area.  Many people spend years with their disease worsening before they can even get a diagnosis.  All the while, they are accused of being a hypochondriac or diagnosed with an array of issues that are not separate at all, but are related to the decline of their thyroid function.  It is extremely frustrating for the patients and those close to them who know something more is wrong.

I didn't want to be in this place again.  I am now overwhelmed while being in a familiar area.  It reminds me of all the researching, writing, advocacy, and healthcare searching I did when trying to uncover why I had experienced unnecessary cesarean surgery and how I could go on to have a vaginal birth after cesarean.  So, much of the information women need to make good decisions in pregnancy and birth is not transparent or shared among care providers and the women they serve.  I had to become more involved in determining the kind of treatments and healthcare I would receive than those who were providing me that care.  I had to take it upon myself to research, learn the science, and take the steps that I could to heal my body.  All the while, I was sharing my journey with other mothers and becoming an advocate for the health of women and babies.  When I stepped away from the career side of this advocacy, I thought that my focus would no longer have to be split between my passions and my healing.  Yet, here I am again.  Same thing, another issue.  I'm tired.

To begin this time around, I bought and read this book after seeing it advertised on Facebook.  I cannot recommend it enough.  Dr. Wentz clearly lays out the potential causes for Hashimoto's and related autoimmune diseases, and provides a plan to regain your health.  Fortunately, my doctor's approach to treating thyroid issues is in line with the teaching of this book.  If you find that your doctor is not informed in regards to the content found here, this book can help you advocate for yourself and receive the care you need to get to the bottom of what ails you.

Now, I'm reading the book on the right.  It is massive, but readable if you are motivated.  It is in agreement with Dr. Wentz's book.  It actually predates hers.  Ballantyne puts forth an autoimmune paleo diet and supporting lifestyle changes to begin a journey to healing.  I'm finding that Ballantyne's book is good to read alongside Wentz's as it is more like a practical guide to implementing the information gained.  Wentz's will help you navigate your healthcare in a big way.  Both books are New York Times Bestsellers.

Ballantyne's book has a section on dealing emotionally with all the changes and finding support.  Wentz also emphasizes support more on her website than in her book.  As I am seeing some major changes I'm going to HAVE to make, I'm growing more sad.  I will be even more of the oddball.

Eventually, as I am choosing to do this one step at a time, I will be giving up many of my favorite foods and all things that I currently consider a treat - chocolate, dairy, all grain, corn, coffee, tomatoes and nightshades, nuts/seeds, soy, possibly eggs, all preservatives, and alcohol (which I have always had an aversion to).  Eating out will be very difficult as will eating when friends and family cook meals.  I have to be strict about the changes or it won't work.  After 3 months to 2 years, depending on how my body responds, I will be able to reintroduce foods to see if I react poorly.  If I don't react, I can continue to eat them if properly prepared for optimal nutritional absorption.

Another piece to this puzzle is medication and supplements.  This is part of why I HAVE to adopt the diet and lifestyle pieces.  I don't want to grow this mix.  I want to reduce it.  I will probably write more about that as I know what is helping me and what isn't.  I really want to share this journey because Hashimoto's affects about 14 million Americans (along with the other health issues it causes) and no one seems to be having open discussions about it.  It's another one of these dark areas where information is clouded and you can feel crazy and very alone. 

My current array of prescription meds and supplements. I'm trying to straighten it all out.

I also have to make sure that I sleep at least seven hours a night, preferably 8-10+.  It is recommended that Hashimoto's patients sleep until they naturally wake up and sleep until 8 or 9am as regularly as they can.  This will be hard for me as I get a second wind in the night or I sleep restlessly, having wild dreams.  My daughters get up at the first hint of daylight.  The bodies of Hashimoto's patients need time to rebuild and to rest from the overburden.

Light exercise is also a must.  It isn't recommended that we go for very intense exercise as that will cause further stress to our already taxed adrenals.  I'm grateful I already have that under control with my yoga practice.  I, now, practice 7 days a week and my favorite teachers have DVDs geared toward my health and fitness goals.  Below are a few I'm using.  I'm so thankful for my yoga!

The biggest thing I'm dealing with right now is needing to vent and not feeling like anyone wants to listen.  I don't want to whine or seem as if I am whining.  I'm a very proactive person and I'm not asking for pity or help.  I want to be frustrated and have someone hear it, tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm a beautiful person, or simply feed me some positive about myself.  Encouragement.  I want pep talks.  Or maybe I want my basketball coach back.  The one that would make me mad in order to have me be fired up to play my hardest.  Right now, I'm so worn out I don't want to fight.  I just want to move on, whatever that means.  It seems though that those with Hashimoto's have a hard time finding support and will often lose the support of friends and family.  So, I'm going to blog for that reason too.  Maybe I won't overburden those I love if I can let some of it out here.

In the meantime, I'm going to relentlessly pursue my dreams.  I'm applying for jobs, seeing the girls into their new school, teaching yoga, cooking good food, and reading and writing a lot.  Hopefully, spending times with friends and family will be added in there.  I'm going to do my best, because I can.

That's the anger, overwhelm, and the plan.