Fell on Dark Days and, Then, There Was Truth

This has been me most days lately.  It's really the front yard just across the creek, but it's how my spirit feels.  Gray.  Dark.  Beautifully troubled. 

My Gweneth Lenore's birthday was Tuesday and on that day a close friend texted that in a dream she was told to tell me that Gwen's birth represented my rebirth.  I believe it is true.  Gwen was born in my Jesus year - 33. The year he too was reborn of spirit.  The journey to her birth was one where I discovered my body and my strength (physical and emotional) for the first time.  In coming to her, I was able to accept that I am fully and complexly a woman. 

Yesterday, during my yoga practice my consciousness gave way to truth and stopped fighting it.  I've been fighting against this particular truth for awhile.  It was hard for me to believe as truth and not confusion.  When I accepted that truth and admitted it out loud, it freed my spirit to grow a little more.  The dark day I was having dissipated, and I laughed.  Really laughed.

Accepting truth doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it does bring a sincerity to every breath thereafter.  It seems to really live is to live your truth.  Sat Nam - Truth is my name.  Truth does not harm, no matter how uncomfortable.  Truth forces us to listen to ourselves and acknowledge where we are in this life. 

I'm in a transitional phase as those who have been reading here already know.  My world view is changing - expanding.  I've become more empathetic.  I'm accepting many truths without blaming myself for misunderstanding.  Guilt has no part in my process.  I'm unashamed.  So many things I've realized have been very difficult.  The way I am mothering needs to change in order to bring more joy to our days.  I've taken action on that.  How I am educating my children needs to be more fluid and I have begun to desire a broader experience for them.  Action has occurred there.  I want to release my creativity in a way that brings it outside of the hobby and into the professional.  I'm doing it!  I'm finding my voice, asking for what I need, and making new plans.  I'm hopeful despite the darkness.  I know there's a light.

The hard part about this new truth is that it may be for me only.  It's so brand new that I haven't been able to discern what lesson I am to take away from the knowing of it.  The fact that it might leave me very alone in the experiencing of it makes it that much more complex.   It's just the way it has to be.  We land in places in our own time and for our own reasons.  It's very much like many episodes of Dr. Who with Amy Pond.  Everyone has their own particulars and sometimes things become muddled as they try to glean where the particulars meet to form a clear idea where two or more experiences become singular.  
I had to find the courage to admit truth and yesterday as I stoked the fire in the belly, I found it.  I decided to lay consequences aside and use my voice.  Accepting things as they are is the first step to being able to make things better.  With acceptance comes understanding.  With understanding comes the ability to build upon what is and transform.

The kicker is that I don't know that I am brave enough to see this truth completely through.  As I said, it is one I'm most likely to experience alone.  Having been so lonely for so long, going back to that place is a scary proposition.  However, in typing that, I just realized, I haven't left that place.  I'm still utterly alone on the peer level.  I'm still there, grasping at the wind, hoping to catch a ride somewhere.  

As exciting as renewing old dreams, discovering independence, reclaiming my womanhood, demanding respect, and shouting victory over concepts that no longer serve me is, I have seen that it would be so easy to just box some of these things up, put them away, and continue in some improved form of the way things were.  This way I am not disruptive to others.  This way no feelings are hurt.  This way I'm not forcing my energies upon another's life inadvertently or otherwise.  That would be the easy way.  I know I can do that.  I have my daughters.  I'm writing again, and I have yoga.  Those things can be enough to bring me joy from time to time.  Yet, I know in my heart of hearts that the easy way is not acceptable if I want to provide the right example to my girls.  I don't want them to be ashamed or hide themselves from the world.  Therefore, I cannot consider that an option for myself.  I have to process this truth in a healthy way.  So, the new work begins.  

Like running downhill full force...