Today, I've decided to give up fighting.  I'm on day 3 of a another migraine.  I'm home alone with my girls who are getting much better from a bout of upper respiratory illness.  They are giggling and horse-playing.  I need to work on a radio piece for my new job, but this week has thrown so much at me, I need to clear my head first.  So, I come here to write.  I also took an Imitrex.  The medicine hasn't been helping.  I hate taking all this medicine. 

A good friend's mother and a regular in my yoga classes, my chiropractor, and some folks in my online support groups for Hashimotos urged me to get my thyroid scanned.  I'm on thyroid medicine and my thyroid had never been palpated nor had I had an ultrasound of the thyroid.  This last year I have had a few CT scans, 3 x-rays, 2 MRIs, and countless blood tests.  My main condition which I MUST have daily medicine for had never been evaluated by anything more than a thyroid panel blood test.  I could write a whole other post on my frustration with this fact, but I will just say this.  If you work in healthcare (medical, mental, alternative, or spiritual), listen to your patient/client.  Even if you believe what they are saying is a crock, listen with all your effort.  In their words, you will find the next appropriate steps regardless if their words are medically meaningful to you.

Last week, I had my first thyroid ultrasound.  I had been complaining of tightness in my neck, difficulty swallowing my medicine and some food, dizziness, hearing my pulse in my right ear, and the feeling of being in an airplane taking off in my right ear as well.  It's messed quite a bit with my hearing.  I was prescribed allergy medicine and had an MRI for that complaint.  I don't have seasonal allergies.  I never have.  I very rarely even get a cold.  The MRI showed normal blood flow in that region.  The symptoms didn't go away even when I gave the allergy medicine a chance despite feeling I didn't need it.  I didn't think these symptoms were something I should have to just ignore the rest of my life.  Sometimes the swooshing and pressure change in my head is impossible to ignore.  Being a yoga teacher, it affects my balance and impacts my practice.  It also makes it hard to talk on the phone and at times in person because I can't hear the other person.  That's not normal.  That's not ok.

I got a call Friday that my doctor wanted to review my ultrasound results with me in person.  I went in this past Monday.  These are the results.  Pardon my coffee stains.  I'm a little obsessive when it comes to reviewing my medical records and I had an accident.

I have multiple nodules that are small in the left side of the thyroid - "hypoechoic areas".  Lo and behold, I have a complex mass of a significant size (though apparently they can also be larger) in the right side of my thyroid.  The radiologist has recommended a fine needle biopsy guided by ultrasound to rule out cancer.  It will also need to be assessed if my thyroid needs to be removed even if the mass is benign.  If you look at the size of the mass in comparison to the size of the right side of my thyroid, you can see why it is something that needs further testing.

Many members of the population have nodules on their thyroid.  Not all of these people have been diagnosed with thyroid issues.  However, people with nodules measuring on the larger end and who have a history of thyroid issues, are the most likely to have a malignant nodule.  Malignancies occur in few cases compared with the commonality of thyroid nodules.  I'm supposed to get my appointment for the biopsy today, and at 3:16pm, I still haven't gotten the call.  I'll be traveling to Lexington for the biopsy.  It's a 3 hour trip.

I'm starting my first round of employment in a decade on Monday, and I am just now getting this news.  For almost a year, I have been having symptoms associated with these findings.  I can't begin to explain how angry I am that I am now going to have to deal with this at all.  My hormone numbers were improved in my last bloodwork.  I had several months of feeling better after adopting an autoimmune paleo diet and a no-holds-barred 7 days a week yoga/meditation regimen.  I've added herbs and supplements, cut many of my favorite foods, and tried my best to surround myself with people and activities that feed my soul.  I thought it was working.  I suppose it was a little.

To me that seemed like a reasonable option.  I was done with spending half of every month in pain with the headaches.  I told Creator that night that I would take on anything if it helped me move passed this pain.  I told Creator I'd accept cancer, brain tumor, craziness, aneurysm, all of it.  I'd accept it because it would be a diagnosis and with a diagnosis I could have a plan.  Whether I lived and got treatment or died, I'd have more freedom than I was currently having.  After seeing the neurologist, I got some improvement in my headaches with medication, but now I have had a headache 10 of the last 20 days.  Back to the headache from Hades (not that all of them aren't bad, but I literally would've downed a bottle of pills and died if I hadn't had the ER option that night).  I told Creator that I'd use whatever I was given to improve my life while I am here and to try to improve the lives of as many as I can reach through my experience.  I said, "Please, bring it on."  A diagnosis big or small was the only way out I could see aside from death.  Yes, it's a dark place to be, but it isn't a godless place.

I still don't know what I'm dealing with, but I'm closer to an answer.  I don't know what road lies ahead.  All I know is I am tired.  This year I have lost 2 grandparents, 1 grandparent-in-law, had 2 aunts and 1 uncle diagnosed and battling cancer, 1 sister with a cancer scare, a niece with blood clotting issues in the brain, and 1 sister under immense stress and battling Graves disease.  I am currently grieving another great loss that leaves me recognizing how alone I really am.  Surrounded but alone.  All my close friends live away from me and are busy people.  None of us enjoy phone calls.  My husband must work regular hours.  My parents are busy working and caring for the other kids in the family.  I've always preferred being a loner, but sometimes, I wish I could just sleep in someone's arms and not have to tend to anything. 

breath. Strength comes from the breath and if you become a witness to your inhales and exhales and your body's reaction to the breath, you will discover relaxation and the panic mode dissipates. It is always good to concentrate on basics, and just observe the breath connection from head to toe. Just lay on the floor, stretch and breath, and be a witness. Understand you are strengthenIng inside out. We all should do this on a regular basis, but, I think we view this as no effort towards our practice, when it is the most important part. You never lose a gain...it remains with you."

I stopped and realized that all the pushing, making myself keep going, and searching for answers beyond the medical is wearing me out.  I realized that I have not focused on one of the most fundamental aspects of yoga or spiritual practice - equanimity.  I have not found my balance.  In all the striving, I have built my willpower up so intensely that I do not know when to allow myself a break or to stop, celebrate, and live in my gains.  I just plow down the next row.  Start trying to fix the next biggest issue.  I want so badly to be a light to myself and others that I think I have let my ego get out of control.  I have overestimated the impact I can have on a life, including my own.  My efforting will only go so far, if it doesn't create space for me to also take the time to live what I have learned.  Sometimes, we can try to make up for the lack of self-esteem and self-worth in our lives by building other parts of the ego like self-confidence.  I have been relying on my own strength and my own mind to do everything for myself and others.  At this moment, I really just want to be loved and carried for awhile.  I'm done fighting.  I'm going to breathe instead.

I have to make a plan.  I have to hone my spiritual and yoga practice.  I have to re-think my self care.

1. Maintain a 7 day a week yoga practice along with sharing yoga with others.  Listen to the body and focus my personal practice more on maintaining breath and meditative movement than physical strength.  Try not to worry that because I didn't physically push myself a little harder that it means I have not made a great effort on my mat.  Remember that is not yoga.
2. Continue eating the autoimmune paleo diet.  Continue taking my supplements.  Focus on eating real meals and not snacky meals out of convenience.  I need more nutrition.
3. Focus on my real work.  The work I am called to do and the work I get paid for.  Aside from children and homelife, focus here more than maintaining or creating friendships.  Remember that I have friends.  The friends who care for me will make an effort to be present for me whether or not they feel I am resisting their efforts or overwhelmed by them. (An introvert's concerns.)  Those friends who truly appreciate me will be with me regardless of my moods or my ability to make an effort back.
4. Take up a more intentional meditation practice.  Try for a 40 day consecutive practice of a familiar meditation, but do not bruise myself if I have to miss a day.  Just start again when I can.  Start very simple.
5. Don't be afraid.  Creator doesn't give us anything beyond our abilities to learn and grow from.  I will find truth in this experience and I will find my truest allies and those who care for me most.  Above all keep writing.  Write more.  Learn and read more.  Hope that my words mean something beyond what they mean to me.

That's the plan, until there's another.  So, let me begin resting.  Let kindness carry me a little.  I cried out in pain.  Universe has answered as the crow flies.

"You can't fully appreciate the light until you understand the darkness." - Black Yoga Asanas Ritual Vol. 1

If you would like to read more about this particular aspect of thyroid disease, these links are where I have been doing my own research on what is to come for me.

Thyroid Nodules - Cedars-Sinai
Does the Risk of Malignancy Increase When a Thyroid Nodule is Larger than 2cm? 
Risk of Thyroid Cancer Based on Ultrasound Findings
Thyroid Nodules - AAFP

What makes it incredibly hard to give it my best shot is that because the thyroid gland is essential to producing so many other hormones that regulate my body functions and moods, when I am having a flare up, it can feel as if I'm completely losing control of my mind and body.  Dealing with this disease is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Harder than a 34 hour natural labor.  Harder than saying good-bye to friends and family who pass on.  Harder than running to the top of a steep hill 10 times fast with no break.  You get the point.  It's difficult.  Honestly, I don't want to do it anymore.  I know it is an endless battle.

The thing is, I have to fight.  I have things to do.  This disease is something that I've been given, it is part of who I am, and who I will become.  It doesn't have to be all bad.  Sure, I just outed myself as someone who might display signs of mental illness.  Is that the smartest thing in the world?  I'm not ashamed.  Many of us live with illnesses, mental or otherwise, that to folks we encounter everyday are invisible.  We seem fine.  We are hard workers.  We get things done.  We are driven.  We seem in touch.  The fact is, that we may be all of these things because everyday is a new struggle and we know that if we don't do it, we won't.  There's no in between. 

I don't think any of us who share about a chronic invisible illness are expecting condolences or accolades.  It doesn't mean we are heroes for going on with life.  It doesn't mean we need sympathy because our lives are over and we'll never see our dreams come alive.  No, we share because we inspire one another to reach just a little higher.  We help each other gather the information we need to take charge of our health.  And, we want everyone to know that if we can do it, so can you.  All we have is now.  If we can make changes that will help us live our lives more fully and experience our bodies in a greater sense of freedom, why wait?  No matter how challenging it is to change, why wait?  Now, is the time when we can work.  One step at a time.

This week I have driven my friends batty with my looping thoughts and stress.  I left my beloved yoga mat at the front desk of the recreation center right within my eyesight.  I forgot to grab my phone on a day when it was really important that I stay connected.  Yesterday, I went about the day without taking my supplements, my heart medication, or my anxiety medication.  I didn't realize it until I was overtaken by heart palpitations and feelings like I was surrounded by a strange glass box.  When I'm having a flare up of the disease, it is like all my thoughts are in a fog.  I get stuck on a topic with worry and I cannot shake it.  It's as if I'm in a never-ending state of multitasking.  This doesn't even begin to address the physical symptoms.  It all can be embarrassing sometimes.

I will never use Hashimoto's as an excuse for my behavior or my physical issues.  Yes, sometimes I may choose to share with someone that Hashimoto's is why I do certain things, or sometimes don't seem myself.  It's not an excuse though.  It's a reason.  It's a reason to take better care of myself.  It's a reason to deepen my spiritual connection.  A reason to listen more to my body.  A reason to be okay with a little comfortable discomfort in order to grow as a person and in strength.  This is my body.  It belongs to me.  There's no disease stronger than me.  The disease is just another teacher among many.

The man golfing above is my Papaw Hansel.  He passed away earlier this year of bone cancer.  My Uncle James is holding him up so he can take a swing and not fall.  This is the blood from which I come.  We don't lay in the bed until we have to.  We grab the bull by the horns as they say.  My last moment with my Papaw was my dad and I lifting him to adjust him in his bed.  He looked at me with those sly eyes and looked at my dad.  Dad said, "She's a brute ain't she, Papaw?"  He smiled.  He was proud of the strength in me.  I have always been one to want to please my elders.  Giving up isn't an option.

Yet, on days like today, when the sun is shining and the trees are calling, I just want to rest.  I want someone to hold me, tell me its okay, tell me I'm doing a good job, I'm a good person, and I can rest.  I want to breathe and feel.  I want to cry and laugh.  I want to be with those who accept me as I am and like me that way.  Today, I'm again alone.  Today, I'm going to my yoga mat with Warrior Workout and see what I can become for it's all I know to do.

In the last few years, I've noticed that there appears to be a "gratitude movement".  At least, social media, television, podcasts, and blogs would have us believe it.  With Thanksgiving coming up, I'm sure we'll all see the 30 Days of Thanksgiving posts on Facebook and Twitter.  In the past, I couldn't help but feel somewhat cynical at the thought of people asking me to stop focusing on what is wrong and the problems of life and instead dwell on the things I can be grateful for.  I resented it because it felt as if they were saying because I was upset, sad, angry, or really wanting to fix things that I was in my essence an ungrateful person or a whiner.  Of course I was grateful, I have three beautiful daughters, a long lasting relationship with my partner, family and friends who love me, food on the table, and a roof over my head!  Why were people insinuating that negative aspects of our lives should not be given as much attention as the things for which we are grateful?  To me, being grateful was a given.  If you weren't grateful for something, you had a big problem for we all are blessed.  It was the problems that needed my attention.  Being publicly thankful felt like bragging.  I don't like to brag.

It's been over the last two weeks that something inside of my being has shifted and I understand what it means now to live in gratitude.  I've been a fighter all my life.  I've always had a crusade, a cause, a depression, or something to overcome.  In always approaching my life with the fighter in me, I had grown accustomed to feeling the cloud of gloom behind everything.  I couldn't rest.  I couldn't experience myself for trying to fix myself, my situation, or some injustice befallen someone/s I care for.  I carried the world on my shoulders and I could never be enough.  I grew tired.  Lonesome.  Invisible.  Eventually, my fight began to fizzle and I wanted the darkness to win so I could just stop.  I didn't have the faith to think I'd ever have a victory.  There would be always something else to fight and my principles wouldn't let me give up.

We every one have and will have hard battles in this life.  Somehow, we have to become aware of our own strength and how to utilize the love we have available to us during times of trial.  It refines us.  It heightens our sensitivities and brings forward the areas in ourselves and our lives that need attention.  However, we don't have to let the battles define us.  That is what I had done.  In becoming the embodiment of the battle, my "self" was caged away.  I had become a thyroid problem.  A migraine.  The lonely wife.  The scary and sad birth story.  The warrior victim.  The thing that just won't die for all the pain it's in.

A month ago, I went completely grain free (all gluten free, of course).  I gave up nuts and most cheese.  I cut way back on all other dairy.  I went soy free.  I, also, gave up chocolate!  It's recommended for anyone suffering from an autoimmune disorder to try eliminating common food allergens and foods that can cause digestive upset.  For the first week and a few days, I felt like CRAP.  I was angry and sure it wasn't going to work.  I have a rock gut.  It wasn't food that was causing my issues to worsen. 


I think I was wrong.  While I haven't gone completely toward the autoimmune protocol paleo approach to nutrition, I have noticed a tremendous difference with these small adjustments.  I'm still waking and going to sleep very tired.  At this point, you'll have to pry coffee out of my cold dead fingers.  But... I'm not having huge emotional ups and downs.  I'm not having any pain or headaches.  My face hasn't swollen in a month.  I'm still having some digestive issues, but I have a plan for that.  Keeping up with a hectic schedule doesn't stress me out nearly as much as it did before.  I have heart palpitations regularly, but they don't seem to be brought on by stress or anxiety anymore.  Truly, the difference in my ability to cope emotionally has increased 100x.

About three days in, I was about to call it and go back to my normal whole foods diet which included all food groups aside from processed foods and refined sugar.  A friend encouraged me to stick with it.  I had been complaining of the lack of food options, meaning my favorite foods.  He said, "You won't know unless you try."  Curious me, I have to know, and I have to be able to say I tried.  It was a challenge and I took it.  Here I am.  It's like I've emerged from a fog.  As cliche as that picture is, it is true.

Now, my heart is filled with gratitude for things I didn't even notice before.  It hasn't been a effort on my part.  It is like it has happened along with this emergence.  At the same time, so many things are falling into place.  My spirit is being freed from the fighting and allowed to be and do with all the strength it once used to fight endless battles.  My dreams are revived to be chased and earned.  I'm realizing that I will be okay in whatever path my life takes as long as I am remaining compassionate, open, available, aware and caring of my body, and embracive of my truth by actively knowing and living it.

This week gratitude has taken the form of finding tremendous joy in being welcomed into a new yoga community through Evolation Yoga Kentucky in Pikeville where I am teaching yoga.  Enjoying a 7 day a week yoga practice and having the ability to practice/teach up to 3 hours of yoga on 4 of those days.  Hearing the new expressive vocabulary my three year old, Gwen, is adopting.  She's so full of spunk.  The 100% my oldest daughter got on her math test.  Seeing the excitement that she and my middle daughter have when going and coming from their school every day.  I'm finding myself growing more and more thankful for the time several of my friends take in their day to send me little messages to laugh at, poke fun at one another, or to share burdens and triumphs.  I'm wonderfully thankful for my husband being willing to coordinate his schedule with mine and the childcare my friend has been willing to share with me, so that I can take a few hours every day to follow my bliss as an adult woman.

I could go on.  It's easy to be grateful when you are feeling good.  It's easy to notice the joy filled moments when you aren't managing with pain or feeling muddled.  Right now though, I feel like I'm breathing in gratitude.  The scary part is that a little voice in my head tells me it all could be a fluke and the next debilitating headache is around the corner, the next big crisis is imminent, loneliness will overwhelm again, or another tragedy will be brought upon a friend or family member.  There are some who I know would tell me to ignore that voice, or to actively direct my thoughts to the good.  However, I know good and well that it is more than very probable that any or all of those things are true.  What I think I've learned with this go around is that I don't have to go into the ring punching and kicking with all I have.  I simply have to have my gloves on, my guard up, and be there.  Present.  Alert.  Knowing where my heart lies, what I am capable of, and that winning or losing is nothing compared to the process and the time we take to be there in it. 

As neat as that scenario sounded, it never really happened as I pictured it.  It wasn't long before my husband was deeply involved in making a more cemented career in art and music, while also spending his free time doing both.  Those were his dreams.  I found myself gardening and tending animals mostly alone.  We never got to the point where grocery and department store trips were only a few times monthly.  Then, it became difficult to travel with small children.  Sleeping in a truck bed for days at a time makes for irritable babies and mothers.  John started travelling alone.  After awhile, he opened his tattoo shop in effort to create a more steady income, and we all know that having a business requires an incredible amount of time.  Homesteading alone while mothering three little girls and homeschooling them as well was just too much.  It wasn't at all what I had dreamed.

There isn't a place beautiful enough to trump the necessity to create a day to day life that works for you and brings you joy.  When I chose to live in this lonely holler, I didn't think I'd actually be alone most of the time, meaning away from other adults.  I didn't know that often I'd be literally trapped behind a swollen or frozen creek, unable to get out with my children without much difficulty.  I expected a shared experience.  A dream built by two.  Through no fault of either of us, it just didn't come to be.  The idea was great, but the application wasn't for us to do together.  I realized this year, in part due to the severity with which the Hashimoto's had changed my ability to cope with the emotions and stress I was experiencing, that it was time to make adjustments.  For my well being and vicariously for that of my daughters, we had to change what this dream had actually become.  I've written quite a bit about my inner process on this path here.
  

This summer was spent drawing up a plan for the girls and I.  How could I give them a kind mommy who felt joy, a rich and stable childhood experience, prepare them for independent womanhood, and also give myself a fulfilled life?  I knew it was going to be tricky and look nothing like I had planned our life to be for so long.  This past week, the oldest two of my girls began going to school away from home for the first time.  They are attending a small cottage school on a family farm.  This idea had only been a few months old, but it fell together with ease, and they both enjoyed their first week immensely.  They are very happy about going to school.  Over the last few weeks I have completed freelance writing work, began teaching yoga at Evolation Yoga in Pikeville, and applied for a couple of other interesting work opportunities.  My plan is coming together.  It is intimidating and freeing all at the same time, but it seems to be affirmed by the Universe, and that is all I need to move forward.

Someone who advises me spiritually told me this spring that my spirit is like a penned up wild horse.  I had a hard time believing that at first.  I felt so dull and uninspired.  Once I picked back up the dreams that were personal to me, just as my husband had always pursued his own independent of our marriage, I realized how much I had become stifled by limitations I had put on myself regarding what I thought I had to be as a wife and mother.  I didn't want to fail at homesteading and homeschooling.  I had thought it would be such a joyful life for all of us.  I still think it would have been.  This isn't a grass is greener thing.  As nothing happens in a vaccum, I had to adjust what I allowed for myself to be in order to see my spirit freed.  It has been imperative that I change my definition of what it means for me to be a good mother and drop any guilt associated with what I had always thought it should look like for me.  

Honestly, this whole time, even as I was making these changes, I had felt as if I was failing as a mother.  Not failing or neglecting my daughters, but failing to find everything I needed to be fulfilled by being a mother.  It was as if I was somehow defunct in comparison to women around me who seemed so satisfied in the role.  I've learned motherhood is so very different for all of us.  There isn't one of us doing it - right.  In loving and providing for our children, putting their needs first, and considering our own well being and fulfillment as an essential part of giving them the childhood they deserve, we are each doing it very well.  I read an article on the Brain Child Magazine website that helped me put what I am trying to do for my daughters in perspective, the way I am choosing to do it now.

I'm still okay.  I'm still a loving mother.  I am also working very hard at making myself a more emotionally available and present mother.  A mother that is alive and not simply going through the motions.  A mother that has dreams and acknowledges their validity.  I'm a mother who doesn't need permission or approval to seek a varied and colorful life for myself or my daughters.  If we believe we have one go around in this world, then right now is the time to be alive.  I can't wait any longer to grow if I am going to raise bold women capable of growing as individuals and nurturing a planet of sacred situations and souls.  That takes a goddess in the flesh.  That is what we are.  I am a warrior mama.  I'm fighting for my free and wild spirit.  I'm fighting this disease for my health.  I'm fighting the fight for the full expression of all women for the sake of my daughters.  And... I got a faux hawk today in order to mark my realization that I'm a warrior and a rebel at heart... always.

At this point, I am angry.  I want to feel like a 36 year old who exercises seven days a week, eats a clean, whole foods diet, eats no refined sugar, doesn't smoke or abuse substances, and generally tries to keep a good attitude.  Why?  That's who I am, but sometimes I wake up and feel like I don't want to wake up anymore.  The pain from headaches, procedures on my foot that won't heal, a bum shoulder, a stomach that doesn't want to digest food, is wearing me out.  Not to mention, I was told Monday that my insurance won't cover the procedure that would help my foot heal quickly.  Nope, I have to a make three hours one way trip to the doctor every month and renewed pain with the treatment I receive until this is healed.  Emotionally, while I try to hide it as best I can, I'm up and down.  Anxiety and depression takes its toll as well.  It's hard to admit you have either of those conditions when to the outside world you appear to be functioning fine.  Some days, all I want is to be held by strong arms, smell damp earth, and feel the wind against my face.  All day.  I'm coping well though.  Better than I was, and yoga is the reason.  Fatigue is another big obstacle, but at the moment, I'm caffeinating strongly and taking iron to overcome my anemia as my body isn't absorbing nutrients from my food as it should.

I'm seeing three specialists (neurology, dermatology, and orthopedics) with 1-3 months between visits.  I see my primary care physician at least once every 3 months for bloodwork, further testing based on prior test results, and medication updates.  I have also started seeing my chiropractor regularly in hopes to spread out the visits to the orthopedic doctor.  Honestly, it feels really stupid.  Stupid.  How did I end up here?  Genetics is the simple answer.  When I asked the girls pediatrician at their recent well visit if there was any way I could keep them from ending up here as well, she said, "Not really.  The best we can do is watch for symptoms and catch it early."

Hover the cursor over photos for descriptions.

Because western medicine sees no cure for Hashimoto's and other autoimmune thyroid conditions, the approach is typically to manage a patient's symptoms as best as they can.  For many patients, the management is not enough to allow them to live the life of a normal healthy individual.  Unfortunately, as in other areas of medical breakthrough and dissemination of knowledge, most primary care physicians are not up to date on the latest information surrounding autoimmune diseases of the thyroid and a very many are not even aware of how to properly test for or diagnose them.  Unless they specialize, doctors receive a basic understanding in medical school and not many take up further study in this area.  Many people spend years with their disease worsening before they can even get a diagnosis.  All the while, they are accused of being a hypochondriac or diagnosed with an array of issues that are not separate at all, but are related to the decline of their thyroid function.  It is extremely frustrating for the patients and those close to them who know something more is wrong.

I didn't want to be in this place again.  I am now overwhelmed while being in a familiar area.  It reminds me of all the researching, writing, advocacy, and healthcare searching I did when trying to uncover why I had experienced unnecessary cesarean surgery and how I could go on to have a vaginal birth after cesarean.  So, much of the information women need to make good decisions in pregnancy and birth is not transparent or shared among care providers and the women they serve.  I had to become more involved in determining the kind of treatments and healthcare I would receive than those who were providing me that care.  I had to take it upon myself to research, learn the science, and take the steps that I could to heal my body.  All the while, I was sharing my journey with other mothers and becoming an advocate for the health of women and babies.  When I stepped away from the career side of this advocacy, I thought that my focus would no longer have to be split between my passions and my healing.  Yet, here I am again.  Same thing, another issue.  I'm tired.

Eventually, as I am choosing to do this one step at a time, I will be giving up many of my favorite foods and all things that I currently consider a treat - chocolate, dairy, all grain, corn, coffee, tomatoes and nightshades, nuts/seeds, soy, possibly eggs, all preservatives, and alcohol (which I have always had an aversion to).  Eating out will be very difficult as will eating when friends and family cook meals.  I have to be strict about the changes or it won't work.  After 3 months to 2 years, depending on how my body responds, I will be able to reintroduce foods to see if I react poorly.  If I don't react, I can continue to eat them if properly prepared for optimal nutritional absorption.

Another piece to this puzzle is medication and supplements.  This is part of why I HAVE to adopt the diet and lifestyle pieces.  I don't want to grow this mix.  I want to reduce it.  I will probably write more about that as I know what is helping me and what isn't.  I really want to share this journey because Hashimoto's affects about 14 million Americans (along with the other health issues it causes) and no one seems to be having open discussions about it.  It's another one of these dark areas where information is clouded and you can feel crazy and very alone. 

I also have to make sure that I sleep at least seven hours a night, preferably 8-10+.  It is recommended that Hashimoto's patients sleep until they naturally wake up and sleep until 8 or 9am as regularly as they can.  This will be hard for me as I get a second wind in the night or I sleep restlessly, having wild dreams.  My daughters get up at the first hint of daylight.  The bodies of Hashimoto's patients need time to rebuild and to rest from the overburden.

Light exercise is also a must.  It isn't recommended that we go for very intense exercise as that will cause further stress to our already taxed adrenals.  I'm grateful I already have that under control with my yoga practice.  I, now, practice 7 days a week and my favorite teachers have DVDs geared toward my health and fitness goals.  Below are a few I'm using.  I'm so thankful for my yoga!

The biggest thing I'm dealing with right now is needing to vent and not feeling like anyone wants to listen.  I don't want to whine or seem as if I am whining.  I'm a very proactive person and I'm not asking for pity or help.  I want to be frustrated and have someone hear it, tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm a beautiful person, or simply feed me some positive about myself.  Encouragement.  I want pep talks.  Or maybe I want my basketball coach back.  The one that would make me mad in order to have me be fired up to play my hardest.  Right now, I'm so worn out I don't want to fight.  I just want to move on, whatever that means.  It seems though that those with Hashimoto's have a hard time finding support and will often lose the support of friends and family.  So, I'm going to blog for that reason too.  Maybe I won't overburden those I love if I can let some of it out here.

In the meantime, I'm going to relentlessly pursue my dreams.  I'm applying for jobs, seeing the girls into their new school, teaching yoga, cooking good food, and reading and writing a lot.  Hopefully, spending times with friends and family will be added in there.  I'm going to do my best, because I can.

That's the anger, overwhelm, and the plan.

Accepting truth doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it does bring a sincerity to every breath thereafter.  It seems to really live is to live your truth.  Sat Nam - Truth is my name.  Truth does not harm, no matter how uncomfortable.  Truth forces us to listen to ourselves and acknowledge where we are in this life. 

I'm in a transitional phase as those who have been reading here already know.  My world view is changing - expanding.  I've become more empathetic.  I'm accepting many truths without blaming myself for misunderstanding.  Guilt has no part in my process.  I'm unashamed.  So many things I've realized have been very difficult.  The way I am mothering needs to change in order to bring more joy to our days.  I've taken action on that.  How I am educating my children needs to be more fluid and I have begun to desire a broader experience for them.  Action has occurred there.  I want to release my creativity in a way that brings it outside of the hobby and into the professional.  I'm doing it!  I'm finding my voice, asking for what I need, and making new plans.  I'm hopeful despite the darkness.  I know there's a light.

The hard part about this new truth is that it may be for me only.  It's so brand new that I haven't been able to discern what lesson I am to take away from the knowing of it.  The fact that it might leave me very alone in the experiencing of it makes it that much more complex.   It's just the way it has to be.  We land in places in our own time and for our own reasons.  It's very much like many episodes of Dr. Who with Amy Pond.  Everyone has their own particulars and sometimes things become muddled as they try to glean where the particulars meet to form a clear idea where two or more experiences become singular.  
I had to find the courage to admit truth and yesterday as I stoked the fire in the belly, I found it.  I decided to lay consequences aside and use my voice.  Accepting things as they are is the first step to being able to make things better.  With acceptance comes understanding.  With understanding comes the ability to build upon what is and transform.

The kicker is that I don't know that I am brave enough to see this truth completely through.  As I said, it is one I'm most likely to experience alone.  Having been so lonely for so long, going back to that place is a scary proposition.  However, in typing that, I just realized, I haven't left that place.  I'm still utterly alone on the peer level.  I'm still there, grasping at the wind, hoping to catch a ride somewhere.  

As exciting as renewing old dreams, discovering independence, reclaiming my womanhood, demanding respect, and shouting victory over concepts that no longer serve me is, I have seen that it would be so easy to just box some of these things up, put them away, and continue in some improved form of the way things were.  This way I am not disruptive to others.  This way no feelings are hurt.  This way I'm not forcing my energies upon another's life inadvertently or otherwise.  That would be the easy way.  I know I can do that.  I have my daughters.  I'm writing again, and I have yoga.  Those things can be enough to bring me joy from time to time.  Yet, I know in my heart of hearts that the easy way is not acceptable if I want to provide the right example to my girls.  I don't want them to be ashamed or hide themselves from the world.  Therefore, I cannot consider that an option for myself.  I have to process this truth in a healthy way.  So, the new work begins.  

Like running downhill full force...

No, I'm talking my basic personhood.  I've taken detours and received certifications, a Master's Degree, and pursued side interests in hopes of making money that would allow my husband to not have to work so hard and free him to be with us more, but nothing that I felt spoke to the real me or allowed me to be fully myself in this world.  When the girls were born, I took their education upon my shoulders because I felt there was no other good option here at home.  To provide them with what I felt they deserved and to fulfill my responsibility to them in bringing them into the world, I gladly took on the traditional role of wife, mother, and homeschooler.  While my husband took on the pressure of providing for us solely on his income, he was still free to pursue his goals in art and music.  

Is being an adult claiming responsibility?  As a kid, I had always been told this.  Adulthood is about sacrifice and responsibility.  I don't know though.  It may just be my family's makeup, but I can't remember many adults around me that would have said they were leading a life that made them happy or that made them feel fulfilled.  I saw sorrow, depression, heartache, and anger written on the faces of many of the adults who loved me so very much.  It covered my world.  Am I selfish in thinking it doesn't have to be that way?      

My main goal is to show my daughters that the world is wide open for us.  There is no role we can't accept or value we have to feel pressured to espouse.  It is about following our heart and going forward from a place of love and respect for others.  All else is a coin toss, and the odds of us winning are perfect as we are infinitely supported by the very stardust we were created from.

An independent, strong minded woman makes people nervous.  A woman that seeks her own fulfillment so that her light can shine as brightly as possible in this world, can expect to be seen as scandalous.  She may not fit in any box set out by society.  She may take risks others see as unnecessary.  It may be hard for those who feel the need to fit her into a category to be with her as she steps into this empowered place.  The fact is, she isn't going to care.  What she knows is that if you love her and want her, you will walk by her through all of it.  If you cannot, it is okay.  Both you and she will be okay.

It isn't about living in the shadows of another.  In this mountain culture I've grown up in, the matriarchy is a hidden power.  There isn't a person on this planet any stronger than an Appalachian woman.  They've held families together for generations of rises and falls.  Through all of this, she quietly worried that her best wasn't enough and it would all fall through her fingers.  While all of her family knew it was really her that bound them all together, her effort wasn't pronounced except maybe at her funeral.

I pray that my daughters don't take a lifetime to learn that they can speak up about what they need and not feel guilty for needing it.  I want them to know that if their current situation is not making their heart sing that patience, a fearless heart, hard work, and their empowered voice will change that.  They aren't obligated to anyone but those who they choose to be obligated to and those who call them mother.  I want them to be brave.  I want them to know they are worthy of the type of love that wants the essence of them so hard, their every breath is like a song, and that when they give that kind of love, they should expect it returned to them.

Our lives matter right now.  I've decided for the sake of myself and my daughters not to wait for mine to begin anymore.  I'm surrounding myself with the people who feed my spirit and want to know me for me.  I'm talking consistently with those who already have shown me that they do.  I've went out on a limb and decided to return to the game plan of my youth modified for what I know now.  I'm excited.  One day, I will be able to type here that I am healthy, happy, and fulfilled most every day.  It's coming.  

There, at the top of the world, as I took deep breaths crouched over that ageless rock, the coin was tossed.  The butterflies in my stomach set free for a time and I felt whole again in the silence.  One day, my Ivy will know what she's capable of because her mother did her best to show her.  It might not come easy to either of us, but she will know. 

I'm not about to reveal any juicy gossip information about my marriage.  My marriage is well passed the seven year itch at coming really close to year sixteen and twenty-one years together.  Nope, this is more real for me than that.  I've noticed a trend in myself this year while exploring my unsettled feelings.  Every seven years, my life seems to take a huge turn.  We've been back in the mountains and attempting living in this lost place for seven years this next month.  My body, mind, and heart is telling me it is time for something new. 

There's a little bit of basis for this feeling I'm having. 

I work with Steiner philosophy every day as I educate my daughters.  He was definitely on to something.  I am not the woman I was when we moved back home.  I'm in a big transitional phase of my life.  I'm coming out of the fog of new motherhood and wondering what is next for me.    

My husband is doing well in his work.  In fact, he's so busy that my time with him is limited.  I tallied it up (Yes, I did.).  He's home for about 30-35 waking hours on the average week.  The 2-3 hours we have with him on Tuesdays-Saturdays are in the mornings.  I'm getting breakfast, preparing for school, straightening up, then, seeing him off to work.  We often don't see him again until the next morning as we are in bed by the time he comes home.  His off days are filled with running errands, tending the girls, and mowing the yard.  We're so beat there's a lot of Netflix watching thrown in there as well.  He's thriving in his work though, as hard as it is.  He's consumed by it, loves it, and is wildly dedicated.  If I'm honest, I'm kind of envious.  I'm not envious in a jealous kind of way, but in the way that wonders if I could follow dreams and come out ahead.

I worked while getting my master's degree and he got his.  I taught public school.  He also went through his tattoo apprenticeship at this time.  Then, I began having my babies.  Now, I have no more babies in the plans.  I'm ready to grow with my daughters.  I want to chase dreams again.  It is funny though, I seem to have gotten lost in all of this supporting.  I'm in an odd place.  In all my unsettled rushing mind, I didn't realize that it is up to me to make changes for myself.  I've expressed my desires to John, and he has listened, but he's in his own dream and cannot attend to mine.  I've lamented to friends, probably more than I should have, about monotony and lonesomeness.  Finally, one of them shared with me that she had recently realized that if change is to be had, it was up to her to go after it.

For the last ten years, I've been a stay at home mother.  I've learned to cook awesome food.  I've been working on the balance of teacher and mother as the same role.  I have opened my lap and arms even when I was the one wanting to be held.  All of life has revolved around this family I have made, and supporting them in all that they do with all of my loyalty.  As much as I know I'm loved, and I sometimes feel appreciated, I know that if I want my life to be more balanced and for my talents to be put to use, I have to seek the opportunities and welcome the idea of rearranging what I thought my life should look like at this time.

I have to find the adventure.  I have to chase my own dreams.  I have to find my own way through the darkness.  I cannot expect more support than I already have.  I know how to make sacrifices, but now it is time to sacrifice stone chiseled ideas rather than hopes and fulfillment.  My daughters deserve to see me thrive on every level.  What meaning will it have if I tell them that they can be whatever they want to be, if they see me lay down my chances?  In the family I have created for myself, I've laid the foundation for going forward.  Now, it is time to try it out and see what happens.   I cannot fear the change that will lead me to the next thing.

I'm going to have to live with this.  There is no immediate fix, no sure cure, and no answer as to if this will ever go away except likely not.  I didn't want to imagine the rest of my life dealing daily with pain.  I didn't want to have to take another medication.  I wanted to hear that with a snip, clip, or treatment, I'd be rid of this thing and I'd never have to feel pain so intense that I want to leave my body again.  It isn't going to be so.

I spent yesterday wondering how in the world I was going to find the support I need to muster up the motivation to do the work I need to do to not just live with chronic migraine and nerve damage, but to live well.  Seeing my grandparents in their transitioning to the next stage of existence, I've done a lot of thinking about quality of life.  Quality of life matters a great deal to me.  

The thing is, I've been fighting for something my whole life.  I've been fighting to be acknowledged, respected, and for my basic human rights since I was a child.  If I wasn't fighting for myself and protecting myself, then I was doing it for someone else who deserved fighting for.  I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired.  I'm ready to be carried some.  Life is to be enjoyed as much as it is to struggle through.

Not too long ago, I talked with a life long Christian who had begun to wonder if there really would be something after death and if it would be kind.  I told her that if she really believed what she professed to believe, then death is just a step into the future and not to be feared.  Sure, there's anxiety anytime we are dealing with unknowns, but to really fear death can cause unnecessary pain.  There is something for all of us to believe about death that can pacify fear whether or not we are faithful to a religion.

If I take my own advice, and I truly believe what I believe about life, purpose, and God, then I know this added chronic condition is an opportunity for growth, understanding, and personal freedom.  I, the introvert, would like a team for this though.  Me, who has always preferred to work alone wants a team.  I've supported women in labor; speaking gently, massaging, seeing to their comfort as they came into their own as a mother.  They transformed before my eyes and came into a realization that you cannot come to except for in the act of birth as I spoke to their strength.  I would like a doula - a cheering squad - a friend.

To step back into my name and do this thing, I need to be able to have rest and reward.  I'm already putting forth a lot of effort to make my body temple serve me well.  The most important thing for me to do right now is reduce stress and find more effective ways of coping with the stress I will inevitably experience.  As everything is an opportunity, dealing with stress has the potential to change my worldview and bring balance to my life.  Stress doesn't have to be the bad guy that brings only pain.  But, to experience stress in the positive, I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and asking for encouragement from others.  I'm baring my heart, reaching out, and accepting that sometimes a kind word from another, a motivating quote, an ancient verse is the strength you need to breathe the next breath and be glad for it. 

At this very moment, I'm fighting the urge to not erase this whole thing and think of it as whining.  I'm fighting the guilt that is self imposed for not being the friend I might have needed to be for someone else.  The ego is stepping in and attempting to make me feel unworthy of feeling the love of others.  Maybe this whole thing is God's way of helping me learn to really accept that we are the embodiment of God's love and accept that this love doesn't always have to originate in my own heart.  This may be when I finally am able to let down my guard while still being that warrior and defender I have always had to be.  Who knows what this is?  I only know that for the sake of my children and husband, I cannot let this get the better of me.   

Confluence Academy (the name of our little homeschool) has been going full speed since beginning lessons after Christmas break.  Going into the break, I was feeling a major burn out and questioning how I was going to keep us on track the rest of the year.  I know it was in part my being overwhelmed from depression and my health crisis, but a big part of it was playing teacher and placing myself under arbitrary rules.  My big experiment in letting go has also included school, and because of it, we are accomplishing much more during our attendance days than we were.  

We have been attempting a Waldorf education for our girls off and on since we became parents.  What Waldorf asks of us is so vastly different from anything I experienced while in school, and the lifestyle, if you are a purist, is far removed from the mainstream experience.  The concepts that Waldorf expounds were anything but what I was asked to do while teaching public school and obtaining my Master's of Arts in Teaching.  "Proper" Waldorf education in the home would mean that I would truly devote much of my life and time toward learning the philosophy, correct application of the concepts, and the activities of home life that support the education.  Committing to this kind of study while in the middle of carrying out the principles ascribed, mothering, homemaking, and trying to work on the side, soon overwhelmed me and created a heart conflict.  I didn't want to do all this studying.  I wanted to use my free time for me time.  Us mamas have so little me time.  Yet, I wanted my girls to experience the beauty and the gentle guidance this method allows.

I've had to let go of the idea that we'd be a purist Waldorf home.  There are many things we do that aren't in line with the stricter aspect of the philosophy.  I'm a student though.  I love being a student, and I'll do my work whether or not my heart is in it at all just to earn the A+ and say that I did it.  As we all know, being a good student and learning are two totally different things.  Being the student is all about performance, doing the work, and getting it right.  It's a rewards based task.  Learning is about understanding, taking a subject/topic in deep, and integrating it into one's repertoire.  Learning is a life task.  I was raised in a home of educators.  My grandfather taught vocational school.  My great grandmother taught English.  My grandmother was a substitute and a secretary at the Board of Education.  My dad began going to college to become a physical education teacher, but did not complete the degree.  I earned my master's in teaching.  You can imagine how our journey to homeschooling has been for me.  I've been the "student" since I have memory.  I have taken that attitude into my approach to homeschooling my daughters and have found for one of the few times in my life, it hasn't served me well.

These days, I'm working on deschooling me.  I'm having to take it slow, because doing my "school" work is a way of life for me.  Allowing myself to enjoy my free time while also keeping up with my responsibility to provide a well rounded education to my children, has been a weight off.  I still study Waldorf methodology.  I still participate in the support groups for my curriculum, and we are still right on track with our lessons.  Nothing has slipped.  The only change has been my expectations of what we are doing and my level of stress.  I'm seeing the learning in every opportunity we take.  Literally, how can you keep a child from learning?  They are built to learn.  

The education we are providing our girls is unique to our family.  It meets our needs while expanding the world view of our girls, and supporting their choices for their individual life paths.  It isn't a prescribed "Waldorf" education, but is very much inspired by the ideas.  We are eclectic homeschoolers.  I can relax and not follow exactly what the book lays out, but I can trust my instincts as a human being.  I don't have to be a good student.  I don't have to be a constant teacher.  I just have to be a mother who supports learning.  I can let go of my book work a little to allow the real learning and growth to begin.  My daughters can know their mother and enjoy our lesson times - or at least be at ease in them most of the time.  I am capable of my own accord to guide my children down the learning trail, and I can follow their lead.  Let go, mama.