In the last few years, I've noticed that there appears to be a "gratitude movement".  At least, social media, television, podcasts, and blogs would have us believe it.  With Thanksgiving coming up, I'm sure we'll all see the 30 Days of Thanksgiving posts on Facebook and Twitter.  In the past, I couldn't help but feel somewhat cynical at the thought of people asking me to stop focusing on what is wrong and the problems of life and instead dwell on the things I can be grateful for.  I resented it because it felt as if they were saying because I was upset, sad, angry, or really wanting to fix things that I was in my essence an ungrateful person or a whiner.  Of course I was grateful, I have three beautiful daughters, a long lasting relationship with my partner, family and friends who love me, food on the table, and a roof over my head!  Why were people insinuating that negative aspects of our lives should not be given as much attention as the things for which we are grateful?  To me, being grateful was a given.  If you weren't grateful for something, you had a big problem for we all are blessed.  It was the problems that needed my attention.  Being publicly thankful felt like bragging.  I don't like to brag.

It's been over the last two weeks that something inside of my being has shifted and I understand what it means now to live in gratitude.  I've been a fighter all my life.  I've always had a crusade, a cause, a depression, or something to overcome.  In always approaching my life with the fighter in me, I had grown accustomed to feeling the cloud of gloom behind everything.  I couldn't rest.  I couldn't experience myself for trying to fix myself, my situation, or some injustice befallen someone/s I care for.  I carried the world on my shoulders and I could never be enough.  I grew tired.  Lonesome.  Invisible.  Eventually, my fight began to fizzle and I wanted the darkness to win so I could just stop.  I didn't have the faith to think I'd ever have a victory.  There would be always something else to fight and my principles wouldn't let me give up.

We every one have and will have hard battles in this life.  Somehow, we have to become aware of our own strength and how to utilize the love we have available to us during times of trial.  It refines us.  It heightens our sensitivities and brings forward the areas in ourselves and our lives that need attention.  However, we don't have to let the battles define us.  That is what I had done.  In becoming the embodiment of the battle, my "self" was caged away.  I had become a thyroid problem.  A migraine.  The lonely wife.  The scary and sad birth story.  The warrior victim.  The thing that just won't die for all the pain it's in.

A month ago, I went completely grain free (all gluten free, of course).  I gave up nuts and most cheese.  I cut way back on all other dairy.  I went soy free.  I, also, gave up chocolate!  It's recommended for anyone suffering from an autoimmune disorder to try eliminating common food allergens and foods that can cause digestive upset.  For the first week and a few days, I felt like CRAP.  I was angry and sure it wasn't going to work.  I have a rock gut.  It wasn't food that was causing my issues to worsen. 


I think I was wrong.  While I haven't gone completely toward the autoimmune protocol paleo approach to nutrition, I have noticed a tremendous difference with these small adjustments.  I'm still waking and going to sleep very tired.  At this point, you'll have to pry coffee out of my cold dead fingers.  But... I'm not having huge emotional ups and downs.  I'm not having any pain or headaches.  My face hasn't swollen in a month.  I'm still having some digestive issues, but I have a plan for that.  Keeping up with a hectic schedule doesn't stress me out nearly as much as it did before.  I have heart palpitations regularly, but they don't seem to be brought on by stress or anxiety anymore.  Truly, the difference in my ability to cope emotionally has increased 100x.

About three days in, I was about to call it and go back to my normal whole foods diet which included all food groups aside from processed foods and refined sugar.  A friend encouraged me to stick with it.  I had been complaining of the lack of food options, meaning my favorite foods.  He said, "You won't know unless you try."  Curious me, I have to know, and I have to be able to say I tried.  It was a challenge and I took it.  Here I am.  It's like I've emerged from a fog.  As cliche as that picture is, it is true.

Now, my heart is filled with gratitude for things I didn't even notice before.  It hasn't been a effort on my part.  It is like it has happened along with this emergence.  At the same time, so many things are falling into place.  My spirit is being freed from the fighting and allowed to be and do with all the strength it once used to fight endless battles.  My dreams are revived to be chased and earned.  I'm realizing that I will be okay in whatever path my life takes as long as I am remaining compassionate, open, available, aware and caring of my body, and embracive of my truth by actively knowing and living it.

This week gratitude has taken the form of finding tremendous joy in being welcomed into a new yoga community through Evolation Yoga Kentucky in Pikeville where I am teaching yoga.  Enjoying a 7 day a week yoga practice and having the ability to practice/teach up to 3 hours of yoga on 4 of those days.  Hearing the new expressive vocabulary my three year old, Gwen, is adopting.  She's so full of spunk.  The 100% my oldest daughter got on her math test.  Seeing the excitement that she and my middle daughter have when going and coming from their school every day.  I'm finding myself growing more and more thankful for the time several of my friends take in their day to send me little messages to laugh at, poke fun at one another, or to share burdens and triumphs.  I'm wonderfully thankful for my husband being willing to coordinate his schedule with mine and the childcare my friend has been willing to share with me, so that I can take a few hours every day to follow my bliss as an adult woman.

I could go on.  It's easy to be grateful when you are feeling good.  It's easy to notice the joy filled moments when you aren't managing with pain or feeling muddled.  Right now though, I feel like I'm breathing in gratitude.  The scary part is that a little voice in my head tells me it all could be a fluke and the next debilitating headache is around the corner, the next big crisis is imminent, loneliness will overwhelm again, or another tragedy will be brought upon a friend or family member.  There are some who I know would tell me to ignore that voice, or to actively direct my thoughts to the good.  However, I know good and well that it is more than very probable that any or all of those things are true.  What I think I've learned with this go around is that I don't have to go into the ring punching and kicking with all I have.  I simply have to have my gloves on, my guard up, and be there.  Present.  Alert.  Knowing where my heart lies, what I am capable of, and that winning or losing is nothing compared to the process and the time we take to be there in it. 

At this point, I am angry.  I want to feel like a 36 year old who exercises seven days a week, eats a clean, whole foods diet, eats no refined sugar, doesn't smoke or abuse substances, and generally tries to keep a good attitude.  Why?  That's who I am, but sometimes I wake up and feel like I don't want to wake up anymore.  The pain from headaches, procedures on my foot that won't heal, a bum shoulder, a stomach that doesn't want to digest food, is wearing me out.  Not to mention, I was told Monday that my insurance won't cover the procedure that would help my foot heal quickly.  Nope, I have to a make three hours one way trip to the doctor every month and renewed pain with the treatment I receive until this is healed.  Emotionally, while I try to hide it as best I can, I'm up and down.  Anxiety and depression takes its toll as well.  It's hard to admit you have either of those conditions when to the outside world you appear to be functioning fine.  Some days, all I want is to be held by strong arms, smell damp earth, and feel the wind against my face.  All day.  I'm coping well though.  Better than I was, and yoga is the reason.  Fatigue is another big obstacle, but at the moment, I'm caffeinating strongly and taking iron to overcome my anemia as my body isn't absorbing nutrients from my food as it should.

I'm seeing three specialists (neurology, dermatology, and orthopedics) with 1-3 months between visits.  I see my primary care physician at least once every 3 months for bloodwork, further testing based on prior test results, and medication updates.  I have also started seeing my chiropractor regularly in hopes to spread out the visits to the orthopedic doctor.  Honestly, it feels really stupid.  Stupid.  How did I end up here?  Genetics is the simple answer.  When I asked the girls pediatrician at their recent well visit if there was any way I could keep them from ending up here as well, she said, "Not really.  The best we can do is watch for symptoms and catch it early."

Hover the cursor over photos for descriptions.

Because western medicine sees no cure for Hashimoto's and other autoimmune thyroid conditions, the approach is typically to manage a patient's symptoms as best as they can.  For many patients, the management is not enough to allow them to live the life of a normal healthy individual.  Unfortunately, as in other areas of medical breakthrough and dissemination of knowledge, most primary care physicians are not up to date on the latest information surrounding autoimmune diseases of the thyroid and a very many are not even aware of how to properly test for or diagnose them.  Unless they specialize, doctors receive a basic understanding in medical school and not many take up further study in this area.  Many people spend years with their disease worsening before they can even get a diagnosis.  All the while, they are accused of being a hypochondriac or diagnosed with an array of issues that are not separate at all, but are related to the decline of their thyroid function.  It is extremely frustrating for the patients and those close to them who know something more is wrong.

I didn't want to be in this place again.  I am now overwhelmed while being in a familiar area.  It reminds me of all the researching, writing, advocacy, and healthcare searching I did when trying to uncover why I had experienced unnecessary cesarean surgery and how I could go on to have a vaginal birth after cesarean.  So, much of the information women need to make good decisions in pregnancy and birth is not transparent or shared among care providers and the women they serve.  I had to become more involved in determining the kind of treatments and healthcare I would receive than those who were providing me that care.  I had to take it upon myself to research, learn the science, and take the steps that I could to heal my body.  All the while, I was sharing my journey with other mothers and becoming an advocate for the health of women and babies.  When I stepped away from the career side of this advocacy, I thought that my focus would no longer have to be split between my passions and my healing.  Yet, here I am again.  Same thing, another issue.  I'm tired.

Eventually, as I am choosing to do this one step at a time, I will be giving up many of my favorite foods and all things that I currently consider a treat - chocolate, dairy, all grain, corn, coffee, tomatoes and nightshades, nuts/seeds, soy, possibly eggs, all preservatives, and alcohol (which I have always had an aversion to).  Eating out will be very difficult as will eating when friends and family cook meals.  I have to be strict about the changes or it won't work.  After 3 months to 2 years, depending on how my body responds, I will be able to reintroduce foods to see if I react poorly.  If I don't react, I can continue to eat them if properly prepared for optimal nutritional absorption.

Another piece to this puzzle is medication and supplements.  This is part of why I HAVE to adopt the diet and lifestyle pieces.  I don't want to grow this mix.  I want to reduce it.  I will probably write more about that as I know what is helping me and what isn't.  I really want to share this journey because Hashimoto's affects about 14 million Americans (along with the other health issues it causes) and no one seems to be having open discussions about it.  It's another one of these dark areas where information is clouded and you can feel crazy and very alone. 

I also have to make sure that I sleep at least seven hours a night, preferably 8-10+.  It is recommended that Hashimoto's patients sleep until they naturally wake up and sleep until 8 or 9am as regularly as they can.  This will be hard for me as I get a second wind in the night or I sleep restlessly, having wild dreams.  My daughters get up at the first hint of daylight.  The bodies of Hashimoto's patients need time to rebuild and to rest from the overburden.

Light exercise is also a must.  It isn't recommended that we go for very intense exercise as that will cause further stress to our already taxed adrenals.  I'm grateful I already have that under control with my yoga practice.  I, now, practice 7 days a week and my favorite teachers have DVDs geared toward my health and fitness goals.  Below are a few I'm using.  I'm so thankful for my yoga!

The biggest thing I'm dealing with right now is needing to vent and not feeling like anyone wants to listen.  I don't want to whine or seem as if I am whining.  I'm a very proactive person and I'm not asking for pity or help.  I want to be frustrated and have someone hear it, tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm a beautiful person, or simply feed me some positive about myself.  Encouragement.  I want pep talks.  Or maybe I want my basketball coach back.  The one that would make me mad in order to have me be fired up to play my hardest.  Right now, I'm so worn out I don't want to fight.  I just want to move on, whatever that means.  It seems though that those with Hashimoto's have a hard time finding support and will often lose the support of friends and family.  So, I'm going to blog for that reason too.  Maybe I won't overburden those I love if I can let some of it out here.

In the meantime, I'm going to relentlessly pursue my dreams.  I'm applying for jobs, seeing the girls into their new school, teaching yoga, cooking good food, and reading and writing a lot.  Hopefully, spending times with friends and family will be added in there.  I'm going to do my best, because I can.

That's the anger, overwhelm, and the plan.

By the time July 2014 rolled around, I was finding that I could no longer keep up with the form of workouts I had chosen.  I was doing CrossFit inspired and HIIT home workouts.  I was really worried because no matter my physical size, I had always been athletic and capable of pushing myself to keep up with strenuous exercise.  Not only this, but the migraine headaches that I had been having since age 13 had picked up in frequency and were becoming debilitating.  I reluctantly went to my family doctor.  That began a cascade of testing and seeing specialists.  I have seen a neurologist (and will regularly, indefinitely), orthopedic specialist, gastroenterologist, ob/gyn, chiropractor, and a dermatologist.  I've had bloodwork every 3 months, MRIs, CTs, x-rays, and cultures of various sorts.  Then, the ER visits.  

I had to begin taking medications that would significantly lower my heart-rate in order to help prevent the headaches that were interfering with day to day life.  This meant that it was now physically impossible for me to keep up with the intense workouts.  That is when I took back up with a daily yoga practice.  I now practice Kundalini and Vinyasa yoga at least 6 days a week.  I eat real food as well as I can manage, and I try to feed my family the same way.  See, I wasn't giving up.  I have three daughters to raise and provide an example for.  If I gave up on myself, what would I be teaching them?  

All that said, leads me to why I'm really writing this post today.  This region of Kentucky is known as one of the sickest regions in the nation.

I must say, that what I'm seeing in my neck of the woods, currently, around health and fitness, gives me a great hope for our future.  As I research and find the resources I need to receive the healthcare and access the food that I need to live the best quality of life possible for me, I am finding other eastern Kentuckians doing the same.  Not only are they taking charge of their health, but they are becoming the change that they want to see in the region.  

People I went to school with who are in the medical field are offering free, daily health tips via Facebook and coming back to the region to serve their communities.  When I make posts about health and fitness information, I get messages and replies asking for more information or making comments that offer me more information.  Area residents seem more interested in local food options.  Farmer's Markets are sprouting up all over, and people are learning more about wildcrafting.  Yet, the thing that inspires me the most is what I'm seeing as an increased willingness of people to use and explore the capabilities of their own bodies in outside of the box ways.  I have recently started teaching yoga in Hindman and Whitesburg and have been so pleased to have no fewer than two and as many as eleven in my classes!  So many express interest and a desire to learn how to take responsibility for their health.  This makes me hopeful for the health of our young people.

Nick is part owner (along with Stacie Beckett and Carrie Adkins) of the new CrossFit Experior in Williamson, and Cristin instructs and works from the box (gym).  I asked Nick why he wanted to make this passion of his into a career, and his answer is so much a part of the solution I envision for the positive growth of our region.

Simply put.  He wants to make a difference in his community.  Nick and Cristin saw an issue that affected them personally and in their desire to change it for themselves, they are a part of changing it for the community at large.  We live in an area that is so naturally beautiful.  I see it as very possible that this region can be known for health and well-being in our future.  That's part of my vision as I share yoga with those who come to my classes.  I know Nick and Cristin are seeing it on a daily basis as they inspire people of all ages to good health.

Jane Austen wrote in Persuasion, "I am half agony, half hope."  On the days when my body and emotions feel agony, I look to hope.  I'm going to fight the good fight.  Others are fighting the good fight.  This is just one part of the puzzle that will be rebuilding eastern Kentucky, but it is this type of revolution that makes me not give up completely.  It is a clear path to goodness.

Every day by default is Earth Day here at the Confluence, so we didn't do anything out of the ordinary to celebrate.  For me, today has been one of those weirdly productive days.  Those are few and far between.  School went beautifully - even math!  I cooked three meals.  Dishes are washed and kitchen is swept.  I've done a load of laundry and changed the bed linens.  I've fed the chickens and goats.  I bathed all three little gals and myself.  I submitted a manuscript.  And... we dug another lasagna bed.

When you are homesteading (sort of) and the partner isn't home long enough to mow grass on most weeks, you become industrious.  The goal is to grow most of our vegetables ourselves.  Organic produce is hard to come by in these parts, and that is what we desire.  I love growing things and always have.  So, I came up with a plan to do it myself with the simple garden tools we had on hand.  Lasagna beds cost nothing.

Step One - Be ready to work and don't be a whiner.  Oh, and grab your tools.

We found this shovel in the hills.  I have no clue what type it is, but it makes the work simple and easy on the back.  

Step Two - Get down and dirty... remove the sod layer and set it aside to use later.  I remove it in rectangles.  You'll end up with this.

Step Three - Make a trench.  You can make a deep or shallow one.  I have beds where I have done both.  The deeper ones will require more filling and I save those for when I have cardboard to use.  I'm starting to believe all that isn't necessary though, so this one ended up 5 inches deep all around.  I make the trench by loosening the dirt with the hoe and shoveling it out.  Put the dirt aside.  This is your topsoil and you will use it later.

Step Four - Fill your trench with organic debris.  I gathered mine from the forest floor.  It's sticks and leaves mostly.  The girls wanted to put in some goat poop, so I said "have at it."  Deladis added a rotting plum too.  Whatever.  As long as it will contribute to rich, healthy soil.  One of the buckets you see next to the bed is composted chicken manure.  We will use that in a later step.  Yes, sometimes good food requires playing in poop.

Step Five - Top the debris with the sod.  Turn the clumps grass side down to kill out the weeds and grass.

Step Six - Mix your manure and topsoil on top of this and spread evenly.  Use the hoe to break up clumps.  Surround your bed with some kind of barrier to set it apart from the yard.  Voila!  You're done.  

Let the bed rest a day or so and then plant it.  I plant veggies much closer together in these beds than a traditional garden and still get good yield.  This bed took about two hours to make.  We'll see how well it does.  The point is that it is doable for a lone mother with littles around all the time.  The girls loved helping.  Gweneth thought the wind was going to blow her away, but she hung tight.  The goats ate the buds off of all my irises too.  It's a give and take.  Good luck if you give it a try! 

The rains came washing the cold away, making all things new.

When we moved back to the mountains after seven years of being away, our ambitions were high.  The plan was to homestead.  John was going to paint and play music.  We'd travel as a family to festivals to sell his wares and talents.  It seemed a simple plan at the time.  Implementing it was another thing all together.

Plans have changed now and yet things are slowly progressing toward the original vision.  I handle most of the homesteading duties as I tend to homeschooling and homemaking.  Our garden is not a huge plot with a bounty to sell at market.  It is now several raised beds and lasagna beds in our side yard.  It produces enough for our family for two seasons and a bit to can or freeze.  The gardening doesn't take me away from the cabin and is manageable for the girls and I.  

This week we put in strawberries, a variety of lettuces and salad greens, and spinach.  We also joined a program in our region called Grow Appalachia that will support our efforts this season.

Gardening in your pjs is a technique we've mastered.  

We also added two new farm friends to our two cats and twenty chickens.  Snow White and Sunflower are Kiko/Boer mix nanny goats.  They're less than two years old.  Their breeds are good for both milk and meat, however, here they will be lawn care and pets.  I'd love to have fresh, raw, goat milk, but I also dream of traveling.  Asking a friend to milk your goats is a little more than I think we can pull off at this point.  Trying to take it a step at a time.  Thinking manageable.

Plans evolve.  The spring rains wash away the heaviness of the winter and life moves forward into rebirth.  The blessing is that we can adapt as our heart leads.

I have always loved eating.  Food excites me.  In college, my sister and I would pool our resources and feed our little families elaborate creations that costed very little, but tasted very good.  I taught myself to cook.  In my early married days I stumbled through the kitchen, and threw out many a pan of gravy.  When becoming a mother, food became very important to me in a different way.  The quality of the food, where it came from, and how it was prepared grew more significant to me because I wasn't only feeding myself anymore, but I was feeding growing children.  Having chosen to exclusively breastfeed them, and knowing the satisfaction of that and the good health it brought them, I had to carry that over to their relationship with food.  I suddenly understood why my grandmothers would beg us to eat, eat more, and get so happy when we did.

The food I ate hasn't always worked in favor for my health and my body.  Most of my life I've shuffled between being somewhat overweight or very overweight.  When I dieted, I starved, exercised hard, and binged on cheat days.  I lost weight, but it didn't last.  Eventually I would cave, being tired of struggling with what I could and wanted to eat.  

When I gave birth to my first daughter, I knew I wanted her to maintain her confidence and a positive body image.  I wanted to give her the blessing of healthy eating.  I just didn't know how to be the example of that for her.  I wasn't comfortable in my own body.  I've always been athletic, active, and fit at all weights.  What was on the outside and how sluggish and sick I felt so often didn't reflect the person I knew I was.  I didn't feel attractive at all and I wasn't sure what I should try next to change that.

I tried being a vegetarian along with my husband for five years.  Breastfeeding made me crave meat so voraciously, I had to eat it.  I tried limiting portions and felt hungry all the time.  I stopped drinking pop.  I didn't buy as many sweets.  I ate food from health food stores.  While I would drop some weight with these changes, it wasn't significant and didn't help me to feel any better.

When I gave birth to my second daughter, I weighed around 240lbs.  My daughter was 11lbs. at birth.  I had some complications with giving birth, and looking back, I do believe my eating habits and our collective weights had a large role to play in that outcome.  It was after her birth that I knew I had to take control of this.  I had to find my happy place with food.  There couldn't be any more diets.  My practices around food had to be a way of life.  It had to be compatible with feeding my family - growing children and working husband.  I had to learn how to be nurtured by food and how to prepare food for good health.

At this time, I was fortunate enough to be walking with a mama friend who introduced me to the book Nourishing Traditions and the work of theWeston A. Price Foundation with Sally Fallon.

This step coupled with my adopting a whole, traditional foods lifestyle for our family has brought me to a place of the best health I've experienced in my life.  I'm stronger.  I'm fitter.   I've learned to eat for my metabolism and genetic predispositions.  I get sick much less often.  I also maintain a normal weight with little effort beyond living a healthy lifestyle.  Food doesn't bring burden upon me anymore.  I don't count calories or fat.  I eat what my family eats.  Food isn't a crutch, but a joy.  I'll never be able to unlearn this stuff and because of that, I don't know (outside of abnormal circumstances) that I'll ever find myself eating theStandard American Diet (SAD) again.

Principles for the Beginning:

• Shop the perimeter of the grocery store.  Plan your meals around as many whole fresh foods you can manage.  Buy organic fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables when possible.  Frequent your local farmers' market for a local alternative for produce and many specialty items - think farm fresh eggs.
• Drop all foods containing refined granulated sugar and high fructose corn syrup (read labels).  This means no soda pop.  It'll be ok.  I promise.  You'll be thankful once the withdrawal is over.
• Do not eat baked goods made with white flour or highly processed "healthier" versions made with whole grains.  Instead replace them with soaked, sprouted, or fermented whole and ancient grains.  Food for Life - Ezekiel Bread is my favorite ready made brand.  
• FAT is GOOD for you!  There is no need to purchase "low fat" food items.  Our body thrives from healthy fats found in raw/fermented dairy, cream butter, nuts, coconut oil, animal fats, and olive oil.  Instead of buying low fat foods, replace margarine, canola and other fattening vegetable oils with healthy fats and cooking oils. 
• Find some exercise/movement that makes you happy.  My personal choice is yoga which I have written about before.  Do this activity as often as you can.

If you can tackle these five things, you are well on your way to healthier living.  It isn't easy.  I caught a lot of flack for my choices at first, but I stand by my convictions and the results I have seen.  I'm comfortable in my imperfect body because it is healthy and most of the time it serves me very well.  It isn't about weight any longer, but it has become about whether or not I'm optimally utilizing the body I have for max benefit.  It is a temple after all.  I'm also confident about the food I'm feeding my family.  It won't be long until you too will be eating pizza for dinner and calling it healthy - because it is!

The winter holidays have been my least favorite time of the year for as long as I can remember.  As a child from a divorced home, the pressure of deciding where I'd spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was crushing.  Either my mother and her family or my dad and his family would be disappointed, or so I felt.  Even the seemingly easy task of telling the adults what I wanted for Christmas was enough to make me feel burdened with responsibility beyond my years.  It was no one's fault.  It was the nature of the way we have chosen to celebrate these holidays coupled with the way the cards fell for my parents.  I guess it really couldn't be helped.

There was one Christmas though that I have a small but poignant memory that has kept me believing that Christmas can be more than intense stress, dealing with massive overspending and how it comes into my home, and sadness.  I was maybe five years old.  My parents were still married, but as all memories of this time when they were both occupying our little trailer, it was more as if they were shadows than real people and I was nearly alone to be as I would be.  Our Christmas tree was up and lit.  I still believed in Santa Claus and, this Christmas, I'd see him.  I grabbed my pillow and a quilt off of my bed, my dad tucked me in, and I resolved to stay awake, camped under our tree all night.  I remember how the tree smelled of warm plastic and how the colored lights shot tiny beams like stars when I got sleepy.   I laid there thinking of how Santa must love me, and to meet him would be magic.  Just magic.  I didn't care what I got for Christmas.  I've never been someone who wanted much in the way of stuff.  My wishlist is pretty simple.  I just cared that I saw this man, this grandpa, and felt his magic.

I woke up the next morning with the gray of a winter's light seeping in through the little window in our trailer's back door.  I hadn't met Santa.  Sleep was too precious a thing.  There all around where I had slept were our Santa presents.  He had been there working all around me as I slept, being careful that I didn't hear and stir.

It's that achingly sentimental memory that motivated what I wanted Christmas to be for my children when I became a mother.  The focus on the material that made me so nervous that my stomach would be sick, the rush to be everywhere and buy the best present would be secondary to acknowledging the magic of the time and what variety of beauty that can be celebrated as Christmas.  Traditions are hard to amend though.  American Christmas has become barely more than a frenzy of excess and disappointment as it never quite plays out the way you had it pictured and resembles little of the Christian and Yuletide traditions that inspired the holiday at all.  

As much as I wanted something different for my girls, it has too often been much of the same.  Phone calls and endless conversations about what my girls want for Christmas.  Me feeling like that little overwhelmed child who just wants people to smile and not feel slighted or out done.  The girls get so much from family that my husband and I can't even begin to compete with quantity nor do we want to try, so I focus on quality and substance.  Our little family trying to fit in visits over a period of a few days.  Returning home with a car load of gifts and no place to put many of them.  Experiences and conversations a blur.  Exhaustion.  Irritability, and weeks of recovery.

Christmases prior I tried to make change.  I asked that certain toys not be bought.  We've worked out a schedule of visits and stuck to it every year.  We don't celebrate our own Christmas until we can be relaxed at home, even if that means that Santa visits us and the grandparents.  At our home celebration we rest in the spiritual reasons for Christmas and Yule and read the stories.  I've learned that I still would love to be home and have grandparents come and see us sometimes, but I know that isn't the season of our lives.  I now know that it doesn't matter if you have preferences for gifts, children will get what the giver wants them to have.  And, Christmas often equals hard feelings and stress as much as we try to stave it off.

This year, while I know I can't take it all away, I can make a conscious effort at affecting what I can.  There are several things I'm doing this year to make the season one that brings a little more rest for me than discomfort.

1. I'm giving up scrolling my newsfeed in Facebook or making posts about my day for the entire length of Advent.  I know giving up something is associated with Lent, but I'm striving to live an authentic life these days.  I'm not making myself unseen and unheard in my Truth any longer.  I'm living boldly in order to fully express the me that God made.  What does that have to do with a Facebook newsfeed?  In my feed on any given day, I am faced with racism, ugly politics, hate, bigotry, violence, and horror stories about suffering inflicted upon women and families by institutions and scared people.  I'm triggered emotionally by what I see and it affects my well being and my ability to process the news on my own terms.  It creates for me the sensation of fight or flight without anything to direct it toward.  I see these posts from those I know or have known, and to be honest, it is heartbreaking.  Being in that space can make it so easy to be paranoid and lose hope.  I can refrain, clear my head, and return when ready.  This season is for celebrating and acknowledging Truth, and I will accept nothing short of it.

2. I'm being honest about what happens to toys and excess material goods in our home.  We donate them.  All of us do it.  We just took two boxes of toys to Goodwill in order to clear out what isn't used.  Our cabin is teeny and I want it to be as beautiful and comfortable as possible.  Lots of things clog up the energy.  It is a work in progress.  My girls have very honed interests.  While something might be appealing to them for awhile in newness, they fully recognize what they truly hold as valuable.  "For you may palm upon us new for old: All, as they say, that glitters, is not gold." -John Dryden

3. I'm volunteering to take on some cooking.  I've always wanted to, and I love to cook.  I love to watch people eat my food.  So, my mother in law has asked that I help and I am so happy to!

4. I'm taking time for mindfulness and being right here - right now.  My spiritual walk takes precedence over all extraneous things during this season of kindling the light within.  It's not just a metaphor.  It's action to take.  I have goals.

5. I'm continuing the traditions that we've made as a nuclear family that bring home the purpose of this holiday for me and my family.  For us, it is a time to celebrate a man who came to light the path and share with us the tools of salvation.  Jesus was a spiritual hero - The Redeemer.  All the pieces of Christmas are supporting roles to this beautiful piece of the spiritual puzzle... this includes Ole St. Nick.

As an adult, we can control what we do with our experiences in order to adjust the impact we feel from them.  The question is always, how can we use what we know to express Truth, experience Truth tangibly, share Truth, and light the path of Truth for others?  This question if taken on in a meaningful way can make massive difference in even the most difficult of times or challenges.  There is always something there for us to claim or reclaim in Truth.  Christmas is a season of warmth, love, reflection and togetherness.  Any appearance that does not reflect that does not have to remain.