This past summer and early fall, I gave myself the space I needed to get in touch with my soul.  I found there a fire burning so bright and asking me to change my whole life to feed it.  I made some significant changes.  I went from homeschooling to working mother.  That was the biggest.  I decided to move on the grid.  I'm packing today.  I began teaching yoga, and I applied for and received a grant from the Kentucky Foundation for Women to finish an essay collection I'm working on concerning events in my own life as a rural mountain woman. I feel the essays will illustrate the universal experience of being a woman.  My 3 year old goes to a babysitter 3 days a week now.  Between yoga work, driving, and my work as public affairs director at WMMT, I'm doing this thing 50-60 hours a week.

Another gift I gave myself during this time, was to be honest with me.  I searched my heart and let myself be free to experience things my heart longed to experience.  We don't have this freedom all the time, and when we do it is intoxicating.  I'm 37, so maybe what I experienced some would call a mid-life crisis.  I'll be a lucky person to get another 37 years, so maybe it is.  For me, it held real meaning.  For the first time in a long time, I gained the feeling that there was something to hope for, not just for my daughters, but for myself.  I felt like I woke up and had decided to come out of the shadows to live.

However, there were some moments for those who were attending to my needs that became frantic.  What I was experiencing while they were assessing my bleeding and getting it under control was bliss.  My body grew warm and fuzzy.  My ego retreated.  I felt whole.  I didn't care if I continued on in life in the physcial body.  I felt like I was completed.  It is very hard to describe, but I haven't felt anything as good before or since.  What makes it even stranger to talk about is, if I hadn't been tended to.  If I had been alone to care for myself, I likely would have bled too much and passed on.  In the moment where the veil between worlds grew very thin for me, I felt most at peace.  That makes people uncomfortable.  That makes it hard to share because there aren't many who understand.

This summer, I began finding a way to live and recreate those feelings of letting go completely.  It isn't as easy to replicate in life as it is when your body actually is letting go of its life blood.  Life is complicated.  I'm a realist.  I fought to keep that energy going, but it became just embers and I've had to accept that for now.  I couldn't control the death of it and I've taken that in a hard way.  I've sunk into a dark and grieving place.  I'm not a crier.  I've been crying a lot lately.  The hope I built has been put away.  I'd say it is gone, but there's always the possibility she will return.  She stayed in Pandora's box after all.  I just have to not wish for her anymore.  I find myself thinking more and more about those moments.  "Kelli, stay with me," she said.  I thought, why?  I decided I didn't care to stay and if it was meant that I go, I'd let it happen.  "Just a minute," I said.  Another minute in complete surrender.  I long to go back there.  I'd happily go back there unafraid.  

I was fighting tears Monday while driving the girls out of the holler.  Right as we were going into the creek, I noticed what appeared to be an old weathered bone on the flat rocks in the shallow part of the creek.  I collect bones, skulls, and other natural oddities, and I stopped to get a better look.  I opened the car door and discovered this very heavy statue.  It's been either buried or in the water a long time.  It was painted at least twice.  Once red and once black.  It had also been mounted to something.  Maybe a fence, entry way, or gate.  It looks like it is holding a staff or spear.  A resting warrior.  The Universe had sent me a gift with no explanation of how it made it there on that day for me to find.  Universe told me to rest.  To be patient.  It's ok.

Then, I get word from the artist Bonita Parsons that someone who wished to remain anonymous had bought this piece of art from her and asked her to send it to me!  I adore this piece and when I found out I cried.  I feel so unworthy of such a gift.  I socialize very little.  I don't talk on the phone even with family and friends I want to talk to.  I forget to answer some messages I get on Facebook.  Very few people really know me.  I am as a ghost and very alone.  I have no idea why someone was compelled to gift me this.  It makes me feel very thankful and at the same time sad.  When I write about my own life, I write it honest.  It isn't a bad kind of sad, but it is a type of sad.  I've cried several times over the receipt of this gift.  I simply don't feel worthy of it and would like to understand why it was given me.

The Universe has gifted me twice in a week when I just wanted to completely give up.  I don't want to stoke the embers.  I want a lobotomy.  Yet, Universe is telling me that my life is a gift.  Don't squander it.  It is ok to be sad, but it isn't ok to take yourself away from the collective before it is your time to go, whether you do it metaphorically or physically.  

 Today, I've decided to give up fighting.  I'm on day 3 of a another migraine.  I'm home alone with my girls who are getting much better from a bout of upper respiratory illness.  They are giggling and horse-playing.  I need to work on a radio piece for my new job, but this week has thrown so much at me, I need to clear my head first.  So, I come here to write.  I also took an Imitrex.  The medicine hasn't been helping.  I hate taking all this medicine. 

A good friend's mother and a regular in my yoga classes, my chiropractor, and some folks in my online support groups for Hashimotos urged me to get my thyroid scanned.  I'm on thyroid medicine and my thyroid had never been palpated nor had I had an ultrasound of the thyroid.  This last year I have had a few CT scans, 3 x-rays, 2 MRIs, and countless blood tests.  My main condition which I MUST have daily medicine for had never been evaluated by anything more than a thyroid panel blood test.  I could write a whole other post on my frustration with this fact, but I will just say this.  If you work in healthcare (medical, mental, alternative, or spiritual), listen to your patient/client.  Even if you believe what they are saying is a crock, listen with all your effort.  In their words, you will find the next appropriate steps regardless if their words are medically meaningful to you.

Last week, I had my first thyroid ultrasound.  I had been complaining of tightness in my neck, difficulty swallowing my medicine and some food, dizziness, hearing my pulse in my right ear, and the feeling of being in an airplane taking off in my right ear as well.  It's messed quite a bit with my hearing.  I was prescribed allergy medicine and had an MRI for that complaint.  I don't have seasonal allergies.  I never have.  I very rarely even get a cold.  The MRI showed normal blood flow in that region.  The symptoms didn't go away even when I gave the allergy medicine a chance despite feeling I didn't need it.  I didn't think these symptoms were something I should have to just ignore the rest of my life.  Sometimes the swooshing and pressure change in my head is impossible to ignore.  Being a yoga teacher, it affects my balance and impacts my practice.  It also makes it hard to talk on the phone and at times in person because I can't hear the other person.  That's not normal.  That's not ok.

I got a call Friday that my doctor wanted to review my ultrasound results with me in person.  I went in this past Monday.  These are the results.  Pardon my coffee stains.  I'm a little obsessive when it comes to reviewing my medical records and I had an accident.

I have multiple nodules that are small in the left side of the thyroid - "hypoechoic areas".  Lo and behold, I have a complex mass of a significant size (though apparently they can also be larger) in the right side of my thyroid.  The radiologist has recommended a fine needle biopsy guided by ultrasound to rule out cancer.  It will also need to be assessed if my thyroid needs to be removed even if the mass is benign.  If you look at the size of the mass in comparison to the size of the right side of my thyroid, you can see why it is something that needs further testing.

Many members of the population have nodules on their thyroid.  Not all of these people have been diagnosed with thyroid issues.  However, people with nodules measuring on the larger end and who have a history of thyroid issues, are the most likely to have a malignant nodule.  Malignancies occur in few cases compared with the commonality of thyroid nodules.  I'm supposed to get my appointment for the biopsy today, and at 3:16pm, I still haven't gotten the call.  I'll be traveling to Lexington for the biopsy.  It's a 3 hour trip.

I'm starting my first round of employment in a decade on Monday, and I am just now getting this news.  For almost a year, I have been having symptoms associated with these findings.  I can't begin to explain how angry I am that I am now going to have to deal with this at all.  My hormone numbers were improved in my last bloodwork.  I had several months of feeling better after adopting an autoimmune paleo diet and a no-holds-barred 7 days a week yoga/meditation regimen.  I've added herbs and supplements, cut many of my favorite foods, and tried my best to surround myself with people and activities that feed my soul.  I thought it was working.  I suppose it was a little.

To me that seemed like a reasonable option.  I was done with spending half of every month in pain with the headaches.  I told Creator that night that I would take on anything if it helped me move passed this pain.  I told Creator I'd accept cancer, brain tumor, craziness, aneurysm, all of it.  I'd accept it because it would be a diagnosis and with a diagnosis I could have a plan.  Whether I lived and got treatment or died, I'd have more freedom than I was currently having.  After seeing the neurologist, I got some improvement in my headaches with medication, but now I have had a headache 10 of the last 20 days.  Back to the headache from Hades (not that all of them aren't bad, but I literally would've downed a bottle of pills and died if I hadn't had the ER option that night).  I told Creator that I'd use whatever I was given to improve my life while I am here and to try to improve the lives of as many as I can reach through my experience.  I said, "Please, bring it on."  A diagnosis big or small was the only way out I could see aside from death.  Yes, it's a dark place to be, but it isn't a godless place.

I still don't know what I'm dealing with, but I'm closer to an answer.  I don't know what road lies ahead.  All I know is I am tired.  This year I have lost 2 grandparents, 1 grandparent-in-law, had 2 aunts and 1 uncle diagnosed and battling cancer, 1 sister with a cancer scare, a niece with blood clotting issues in the brain, and 1 sister under immense stress and battling Graves disease.  I am currently grieving another great loss that leaves me recognizing how alone I really am.  Surrounded but alone.  All my close friends live away from me and are busy people.  None of us enjoy phone calls.  My husband must work regular hours.  My parents are busy working and caring for the other kids in the family.  I've always preferred being a loner, but sometimes, I wish I could just sleep in someone's arms and not have to tend to anything. 

breath. Strength comes from the breath and if you become a witness to your inhales and exhales and your body's reaction to the breath, you will discover relaxation and the panic mode dissipates. It is always good to concentrate on basics, and just observe the breath connection from head to toe. Just lay on the floor, stretch and breath, and be a witness. Understand you are strengthenIng inside out. We all should do this on a regular basis, but, I think we view this as no effort towards our practice, when it is the most important part. You never lose a gain...it remains with you."

I stopped and realized that all the pushing, making myself keep going, and searching for answers beyond the medical is wearing me out.  I realized that I have not focused on one of the most fundamental aspects of yoga or spiritual practice - equanimity.  I have not found my balance.  In all the striving, I have built my willpower up so intensely that I do not know when to allow myself a break or to stop, celebrate, and live in my gains.  I just plow down the next row.  Start trying to fix the next biggest issue.  I want so badly to be a light to myself and others that I think I have let my ego get out of control.  I have overestimated the impact I can have on a life, including my own.  My efforting will only go so far, if it doesn't create space for me to also take the time to live what I have learned.  Sometimes, we can try to make up for the lack of self-esteem and self-worth in our lives by building other parts of the ego like self-confidence.  I have been relying on my own strength and my own mind to do everything for myself and others.  At this moment, I really just want to be loved and carried for awhile.  I'm done fighting.  I'm going to breathe instead.

I have to make a plan.  I have to hone my spiritual and yoga practice.  I have to re-think my self care.

1. Maintain a 7 day a week yoga practice along with sharing yoga with others.  Listen to the body and focus my personal practice more on maintaining breath and meditative movement than physical strength.  Try not to worry that because I didn't physically push myself a little harder that it means I have not made a great effort on my mat.  Remember that is not yoga.
2. Continue eating the autoimmune paleo diet.  Continue taking my supplements.  Focus on eating real meals and not snacky meals out of convenience.  I need more nutrition.
3. Focus on my real work.  The work I am called to do and the work I get paid for.  Aside from children and homelife, focus here more than maintaining or creating friendships.  Remember that I have friends.  The friends who care for me will make an effort to be present for me whether or not they feel I am resisting their efforts or overwhelmed by them. (An introvert's concerns.)  Those friends who truly appreciate me will be with me regardless of my moods or my ability to make an effort back.
4. Take up a more intentional meditation practice.  Try for a 40 day consecutive practice of a familiar meditation, but do not bruise myself if I have to miss a day.  Just start again when I can.  Start very simple.
5. Don't be afraid.  Creator doesn't give us anything beyond our abilities to learn and grow from.  I will find truth in this experience and I will find my truest allies and those who care for me most.  Above all keep writing.  Write more.  Learn and read more.  Hope that my words mean something beyond what they mean to me.

That's the plan, until there's another.  So, let me begin resting.  Let kindness carry me a little.  I cried out in pain.  Universe has answered as the crow flies.

"You can't fully appreciate the light until you understand the darkness." - Black Yoga Asanas Ritual Vol. 1

If you would like to read more about this particular aspect of thyroid disease, these links are where I have been doing my own research on what is to come for me.

Thyroid Nodules - Cedars-Sinai
Does the Risk of Malignancy Increase When a Thyroid Nodule is Larger than 2cm? 
Risk of Thyroid Cancer Based on Ultrasound Findings
Thyroid Nodules - AAFP

What makes it incredibly hard to give it my best shot is that because the thyroid gland is essential to producing so many other hormones that regulate my body functions and moods, when I am having a flare up, it can feel as if I'm completely losing control of my mind and body.  Dealing with this disease is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Harder than a 34 hour natural labor.  Harder than saying good-bye to friends and family who pass on.  Harder than running to the top of a steep hill 10 times fast with no break.  You get the point.  It's difficult.  Honestly, I don't want to do it anymore.  I know it is an endless battle.

The thing is, I have to fight.  I have things to do.  This disease is something that I've been given, it is part of who I am, and who I will become.  It doesn't have to be all bad.  Sure, I just outed myself as someone who might display signs of mental illness.  Is that the smartest thing in the world?  I'm not ashamed.  Many of us live with illnesses, mental or otherwise, that to folks we encounter everyday are invisible.  We seem fine.  We are hard workers.  We get things done.  We are driven.  We seem in touch.  The fact is, that we may be all of these things because everyday is a new struggle and we know that if we don't do it, we won't.  There's no in between. 

I don't think any of us who share about a chronic invisible illness are expecting condolences or accolades.  It doesn't mean we are heroes for going on with life.  It doesn't mean we need sympathy because our lives are over and we'll never see our dreams come alive.  No, we share because we inspire one another to reach just a little higher.  We help each other gather the information we need to take charge of our health.  And, we want everyone to know that if we can do it, so can you.  All we have is now.  If we can make changes that will help us live our lives more fully and experience our bodies in a greater sense of freedom, why wait?  No matter how challenging it is to change, why wait?  Now, is the time when we can work.  One step at a time.

This week I have driven my friends batty with my looping thoughts and stress.  I left my beloved yoga mat at the front desk of the recreation center right within my eyesight.  I forgot to grab my phone on a day when it was really important that I stay connected.  Yesterday, I went about the day without taking my supplements, my heart medication, or my anxiety medication.  I didn't realize it until I was overtaken by heart palpitations and feelings like I was surrounded by a strange glass box.  When I'm having a flare up of the disease, it is like all my thoughts are in a fog.  I get stuck on a topic with worry and I cannot shake it.  It's as if I'm in a never-ending state of multitasking.  This doesn't even begin to address the physical symptoms.  It all can be embarrassing sometimes.

I will never use Hashimoto's as an excuse for my behavior or my physical issues.  Yes, sometimes I may choose to share with someone that Hashimoto's is why I do certain things, or sometimes don't seem myself.  It's not an excuse though.  It's a reason.  It's a reason to take better care of myself.  It's a reason to deepen my spiritual connection.  A reason to listen more to my body.  A reason to be okay with a little comfortable discomfort in order to grow as a person and in strength.  This is my body.  It belongs to me.  There's no disease stronger than me.  The disease is just another teacher among many.

The man golfing above is my Papaw Hansel.  He passed away earlier this year of bone cancer.  My Uncle James is holding him up so he can take a swing and not fall.  This is the blood from which I come.  We don't lay in the bed until we have to.  We grab the bull by the horns as they say.  My last moment with my Papaw was my dad and I lifting him to adjust him in his bed.  He looked at me with those sly eyes and looked at my dad.  Dad said, "She's a brute ain't she, Papaw?"  He smiled.  He was proud of the strength in me.  I have always been one to want to please my elders.  Giving up isn't an option.

Yet, on days like today, when the sun is shining and the trees are calling, I just want to rest.  I want someone to hold me, tell me its okay, tell me I'm doing a good job, I'm a good person, and I can rest.  I want to breathe and feel.  I want to cry and laugh.  I want to be with those who accept me as I am and like me that way.  Today, I'm again alone.  Today, I'm going to my yoga mat with Warrior Workout and see what I can become for it's all I know to do.

In the last few years, I've noticed that there appears to be a "gratitude movement".  At least, social media, television, podcasts, and blogs would have us believe it.  With Thanksgiving coming up, I'm sure we'll all see the 30 Days of Thanksgiving posts on Facebook and Twitter.  In the past, I couldn't help but feel somewhat cynical at the thought of people asking me to stop focusing on what is wrong and the problems of life and instead dwell on the things I can be grateful for.  I resented it because it felt as if they were saying because I was upset, sad, angry, or really wanting to fix things that I was in my essence an ungrateful person or a whiner.  Of course I was grateful, I have three beautiful daughters, a long lasting relationship with my partner, family and friends who love me, food on the table, and a roof over my head!  Why were people insinuating that negative aspects of our lives should not be given as much attention as the things for which we are grateful?  To me, being grateful was a given.  If you weren't grateful for something, you had a big problem for we all are blessed.  It was the problems that needed my attention.  Being publicly thankful felt like bragging.  I don't like to brag.

It's been over the last two weeks that something inside of my being has shifted and I understand what it means now to live in gratitude.  I've been a fighter all my life.  I've always had a crusade, a cause, a depression, or something to overcome.  In always approaching my life with the fighter in me, I had grown accustomed to feeling the cloud of gloom behind everything.  I couldn't rest.  I couldn't experience myself for trying to fix myself, my situation, or some injustice befallen someone/s I care for.  I carried the world on my shoulders and I could never be enough.  I grew tired.  Lonesome.  Invisible.  Eventually, my fight began to fizzle and I wanted the darkness to win so I could just stop.  I didn't have the faith to think I'd ever have a victory.  There would be always something else to fight and my principles wouldn't let me give up.

We every one have and will have hard battles in this life.  Somehow, we have to become aware of our own strength and how to utilize the love we have available to us during times of trial.  It refines us.  It heightens our sensitivities and brings forward the areas in ourselves and our lives that need attention.  However, we don't have to let the battles define us.  That is what I had done.  In becoming the embodiment of the battle, my "self" was caged away.  I had become a thyroid problem.  A migraine.  The lonely wife.  The scary and sad birth story.  The warrior victim.  The thing that just won't die for all the pain it's in.

A month ago, I went completely grain free (all gluten free, of course).  I gave up nuts and most cheese.  I cut way back on all other dairy.  I went soy free.  I, also, gave up chocolate!  It's recommended for anyone suffering from an autoimmune disorder to try eliminating common food allergens and foods that can cause digestive upset.  For the first week and a few days, I felt like CRAP.  I was angry and sure it wasn't going to work.  I have a rock gut.  It wasn't food that was causing my issues to worsen. 


I think I was wrong.  While I haven't gone completely toward the autoimmune protocol paleo approach to nutrition, I have noticed a tremendous difference with these small adjustments.  I'm still waking and going to sleep very tired.  At this point, you'll have to pry coffee out of my cold dead fingers.  But... I'm not having huge emotional ups and downs.  I'm not having any pain or headaches.  My face hasn't swollen in a month.  I'm still having some digestive issues, but I have a plan for that.  Keeping up with a hectic schedule doesn't stress me out nearly as much as it did before.  I have heart palpitations regularly, but they don't seem to be brought on by stress or anxiety anymore.  Truly, the difference in my ability to cope emotionally has increased 100x.

About three days in, I was about to call it and go back to my normal whole foods diet which included all food groups aside from processed foods and refined sugar.  A friend encouraged me to stick with it.  I had been complaining of the lack of food options, meaning my favorite foods.  He said, "You won't know unless you try."  Curious me, I have to know, and I have to be able to say I tried.  It was a challenge and I took it.  Here I am.  It's like I've emerged from a fog.  As cliche as that picture is, it is true.

Now, my heart is filled with gratitude for things I didn't even notice before.  It hasn't been a effort on my part.  It is like it has happened along with this emergence.  At the same time, so many things are falling into place.  My spirit is being freed from the fighting and allowed to be and do with all the strength it once used to fight endless battles.  My dreams are revived to be chased and earned.  I'm realizing that I will be okay in whatever path my life takes as long as I am remaining compassionate, open, available, aware and caring of my body, and embracive of my truth by actively knowing and living it.

This week gratitude has taken the form of finding tremendous joy in being welcomed into a new yoga community through Evolation Yoga Kentucky in Pikeville where I am teaching yoga.  Enjoying a 7 day a week yoga practice and having the ability to practice/teach up to 3 hours of yoga on 4 of those days.  Hearing the new expressive vocabulary my three year old, Gwen, is adopting.  She's so full of spunk.  The 100% my oldest daughter got on her math test.  Seeing the excitement that she and my middle daughter have when going and coming from their school every day.  I'm finding myself growing more and more thankful for the time several of my friends take in their day to send me little messages to laugh at, poke fun at one another, or to share burdens and triumphs.  I'm wonderfully thankful for my husband being willing to coordinate his schedule with mine and the childcare my friend has been willing to share with me, so that I can take a few hours every day to follow my bliss as an adult woman.

I could go on.  It's easy to be grateful when you are feeling good.  It's easy to notice the joy filled moments when you aren't managing with pain or feeling muddled.  Right now though, I feel like I'm breathing in gratitude.  The scary part is that a little voice in my head tells me it all could be a fluke and the next debilitating headache is around the corner, the next big crisis is imminent, loneliness will overwhelm again, or another tragedy will be brought upon a friend or family member.  There are some who I know would tell me to ignore that voice, or to actively direct my thoughts to the good.  However, I know good and well that it is more than very probable that any or all of those things are true.  What I think I've learned with this go around is that I don't have to go into the ring punching and kicking with all I have.  I simply have to have my gloves on, my guard up, and be there.  Present.  Alert.  Knowing where my heart lies, what I am capable of, and that winning or losing is nothing compared to the process and the time we take to be there in it. 

This week is huge for me in terms of possibilities for the future.  I'm interviewing for work I can be passionate about on Thursday.  I am preparing to send in a grant proposal for further opportunities with my writing.  I've taken the girls school shopping as their first year of schooling away from home will begin next week.  I shared my yoga practice with nine people as the instructor in my class on Monday at the recreation center.  It was a beautiful energy.  I have also taken some steps to adopt an autoimmune paleo diet and lifestyle.  In all this effort, it is so easy to simply get caught up in the momentum, but sometimes we must pull back and take the time to notice the details of the doing rather than focusing on an end goal.

Today, I'm reminding myself to move one step at a time.  I'm not taking anything off the plate.  I'm taking the time to savor each bite and notice how it nourishes my body and mind.  Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Do the thing and you will have the power."  Rather than wondering if I will get the job, the girls will be happy in their new school, the diet will improve my Hashimotos symptoms, or I will get the grant, I have to take a moment and credit myself for doing the thing.  In order to be alive, I must remember to breathe right now.

This is part of teaching myself patience.  Patience with myself, my daughters, situations, and those around me.    Einstein said, "Time is an illusion."  Mario Benedetti reminds us that, "Five minutes are enough to dream a whole life, that is how relative time is."  With our breath and mind, we can slow down time or speed it up.  How we perceive a happening determines the brevity or endlessness it is made of.  It is this moment that matters now.

Einstein also helped reveal to the world that energy isn't created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.  What must I do to change my experience of this life?  Change the form of the energy I devote to it.  My efforts will be rewarded regardless of the outcome of the effort because the energy I am spending cannot be for naught.  It is a real and tangible force more ancient than time.  However, it is the intention and the process with which I expel this energy that will guide me to the outcome that is right for me.  It is right now that matters.

I have one more week to spend as a completely stay at home mother.  I have right now to bring myself back to self care so that I can nurture mind, body, spirit into a condition that allows me to properly share my gifts with others.  I have lunch and supper left today to take the time to feed my body nourishing food to gain strength for tomorrow.  It is today that I should express my heart to those I care about.  Today, I come to my yoga mat with reverent and light energy, ready to learn from Source.

Homebase is right this moment.

I have to say that I'm proud of myself over the last month.  I've done the work I need to do to know where my center lies and how to get back there when the wind of my hopes and dreams takes me here, there, and yonder.  I wonder if those close to me notice it.  I've chosen to focus in the process.  I've chosen to do and be patient with the rest.  I wonder if I appear grateful, or new.  I feel like I'm becoming new.