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Appalachian Writer and Yogi on a Spiritual Path

Realities of Invisible Chronic Illness

10/14/2015

6 Comments

 
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This is me.  Normal day.  No makeup.  No filters.  No fluff.  Pretty normal looking - right?  As I type this, I'm having an anxiety attack for no reason at all. 

What I want to be doing today is hike to the top of a tall mountain, lay down in the moss under the canopy of trees, and cry.  I actually think it would be a pretty good option considering the physical and emotional release I'd get from it.  I'm having a flare up of Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  In short, my body is actively attacking my thyroid gland with antibodies it wrongly made against itself.  This is an illness that I can put into remission with a ton of hard work, exercise, and restrictions of various sorts.  I'm in the middle of giving it my best shot.   
Hashimoto's disease is a condition in which your immune system attacks your thyroid, a small gland at the base of your neck below your Adam's apple. The thyroid gland is part of your endocrine system, which produces hormones that coordinate many of your body's activities.
​-Mayo Clinic
What makes it incredibly hard to give it my best shot is that because the thyroid gland is essential to producing so many other hormones that regulate my body functions and moods, when I am having a flare up, it can feel as if I'm completely losing control of my mind and body.  Dealing with this disease is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Harder than a 34 hour natural labor.  Harder than saying good-bye to friends and family who pass on.  Harder than running to the top of a steep hill 10 times fast with no break.  You get the point.  It's difficult.  Honestly, I don't want to do it anymore.  I know it is an endless battle.
Imagine having all the symptoms of a major mental illness such as manic depression, paranoid schizophrenia, psychotic depression, or even a bipolar disorder. One day you wake up with overflowing physical energy, even feeling severely anxious, with a rapid heartbeat, profuse sweating, trembling hands, and diarrhea, and you can’t stop losing weight. Then soon enough, without warning, your energy plummets. You feel like a slug, are constipated, your hair starts falling out, you gain weight no matter how little you eat, and you are severely depressed. You may have difficulty swallowing, sound hoarse, and feel like you have swallowed something that wont go down. And then, suddenly, your old symptoms return, and you feel anxious, sweaty, trembling, and panicky. This cycle can repeat itself again and again.

While your symptoms resemble a mental health issue, they could be signs of Hashimoto’s disease, one of the most common causes of hypothyroidism.
- Holtorf Medical Group
The thing is, I have to fight.  I have things to do.  This disease is something that I've been given, it is part of who I am, and who I will become.  It doesn't have to be all bad.  Sure, I just outed myself as someone who might display signs of mental illness.  Is that the smartest thing in the world?  I'm not ashamed.  Many of us live with illnesses, mental or otherwise, that to folks we encounter everyday are invisible.  We seem fine.  We are hard workers.  We get things done.  We are driven.  We seem in touch.  The fact is, that we may be all of these things because everyday is a new struggle and we know that if we don't do it, we won't.  There's no in between. 
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www.hypothyroidmom.com
The reality is that we may have been up all night.  We have have woke up more tired than when we laid down.  We may have been aware for days that a migraine was coming and we only had so long to get things done before we would be sick, and now here it is.  It could be that if we don't keep moving, keep trying, keep meditating, or keep sharing we won't be able to do anything at all.  We could be screaming with anxiety and chaotic energy inside while smiling cordially and accomplishing a slue of tasks in a day.  It could be that your encouragement means more to us than you will ever know.
I don't think any of us who share about a chronic invisible illness are expecting condolences or accolades.  It doesn't mean we are heroes for going on with life.  It doesn't mean we need sympathy because our lives are over and we'll never see our dreams come alive.  No, we share because we inspire one another to reach just a little higher.  We help each other gather the information we need to take charge of our health.  And, we want everyone to know that if we can do it, so can you.  All we have is now.  If we can make changes that will help us live our lives more fully and experience our bodies in a greater sense of freedom, why wait?  No matter how challenging it is to change, why wait?  Now, is the time when we can work.  One step at a time.

This week I have driven my friends batty with my looping thoughts and stress.  I left my beloved yoga mat at the front desk of the recreation center right within my eyesight.  I forgot to grab my phone on a day when it was really important that I stay connected.  Yesterday, I went about the day without taking my supplements, my heart medication, or my anxiety medication.  I didn't realize it until I was overtaken by heart palpitations and feelings like I was surrounded by a strange glass box.  When I'm having a flare up of the disease, it is like all my thoughts are in a fog.  I get stuck on a topic with worry and I cannot shake it.  It's as if I'm in a never-ending state of multitasking.  This doesn't even begin to address the physical symptoms.  It all can be embarrassing sometimes.
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I will never use Hashimoto's as an excuse for my behavior or my physical issues.  Yes, sometimes I may choose to share with someone that Hashimoto's is why I do certain things, or sometimes don't seem myself.  It's not an excuse though.  It's a reason.  It's a reason to take better care of myself.  It's a reason to deepen my spiritual connection.  A reason to listen more to my body.  A reason to be okay with a little comfortable discomfort in order to grow as a person and in strength.  This is my body.  It belongs to me.  There's no disease stronger than me.  The disease is just another teacher among many.
Do the thing and you will have the power. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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The man golfing above is my Papaw Hansel.  He passed away earlier this year of bone cancer.  My Uncle James is holding him up so he can take a swing and not fall.  This is the blood from which I come.  We don't lay in the bed until we have to.  We grab the bull by the horns as they say.  My last moment with my Papaw was my dad and I lifting him to adjust him in his bed.  He looked at me with those sly eyes and looked at my dad.  Dad said, "She's a brute ain't she, Papaw?"  He smiled.  He was proud of the strength in me.  I have always been one to want to please my elders.  Giving up isn't an option.

Yet, on days like today, when the sun is shining and the trees are calling, I just want to rest.  I want someone to hold me, tell me its okay, tell me I'm doing a good job, I'm a good person, and I can rest.  I want to breathe and feel.  I want to cry and laugh.  I want to be with those who accept me as I am and like me that way.  Today, I'm again alone.  Today, I'm going to my yoga mat with Warrior Workout and see what I can become for it's all I know to do.
6 Comments
Pat Hudson
10/14/2015 11:37:21 am

Kelli: I had no idea when we sat beside each other in the CNF class this summer that I was next to a fellow Hoshimoto's sufferer/warrior. I've lived with it for 30+ years. Some stretches of time are better than others, as you know all too well. Sending high fives for the good days & hugs for the bad ones.

Reply
Ida Hansel
10/14/2015 02:58:53 pm

Your feelings are mine and I think I have shared this with most of my family....unintentionly, Kelli. I kept it all to myself thinking I was a great pretender and then with age and surely after digesting this well defined article I am sure all this has not been just fifments of my imagination....and that I have......I am noticing a lot of medical attention is being given to Thyroid and for that I am glad. My Dad suffered with this long before we knew the problem and my memories of it all still resurface and it hurts. I am so proud of your ability to keep on keeping on. My children have been passed this problem and then my grands. I think half of the people I know share the same....however we are fighters and strong willed and with the awesome healing hands of CHRIST our SAVIOUR we are covered and with each valley this takes us through HE leads us to the top.......Please come south for a visit and let us cover you with hugs....Ilove you. MMa

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Caitlin Szabó
10/14/2015 03:24:07 pm

Our mutual friend Mary Ellen O'Daniel shared this with me, and I am so glad she did. Reading this was incredibly validating. I was diagnosed with Hashinoto's in 2011 and there's never a day that goes by that I don't feeling challenged by the illness or by others who don't understand what they can't see. Thank you for sharing your words & your grit.

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SandraOwens
10/14/2015 07:03:11 pm

Perfectly said! I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. Since my DX with Hashimoto's 2 years ago I have had 2 unexplained bouts of anxiety. Out of touch and out of control of my body and my emotions. Thankfully they were both short lived. I get it and I live it, prayers to you my friend!

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Donna
10/15/2015 08:15:31 am

"The blood from which I come"

Powerful read from a powerful woman. Wow. You are amazing.

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vivian
10/15/2015 09:36:29 am

Kelli honey please remember I love you so much. You dear are a worrier. The struggle is real. I myself can imagine those out of control feelings. It is scary and maddening. There was a period of time after my hyster that I tried to go without and Estrogen replacement. It was as I call it The Roller Coaster Ride From Hell! My heart aches for you but know that I think you are on amazing lady for doing all the awesome work you do. You are one of the most interesting and accomplished women I know. Just remember to find rest in your day. I'm sure you have researched natural healing remedies and essential oils. Never ever give up hope. I love you. Aunt Viv♡

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    Kelli Hansel Haywood is the mother of three daughters living in the mountains of southeastern Kentucky. She is a writer, weightlifter, yoga and movement instructor, chakra reader, and Reiki practitioner.

    ​Find Kelli on Instagram - @darkmoon_kelli

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  • Events/Offerings/Support
    • Sacred Catharsis: A Chakra Journey Through the Lower Triangle
    • Chakra Analysis
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  • Book - Sacred Catharsis
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