Changing Course is HARD!

January hike up Robin Holler.

I, once, had my palm read at an art and cultural fair where my husband (John) was showing his paintings and other art.  It was before we had any children and before we had really settled into the idea that we'd ever be parents.  The palmist told me that I'd have three children.  At the time that was laughable.  If we came to have any children, we knew that we only wanted one.  Now, eleven years since, I have three awesome daughters.  Never was the plan, but it was written in my palm.

The one other revelation the palmist had for me that is still glued into this old noggin is that I'd be a writer.  From the moment I was told my first story, all I have ever wanted to be through every moment, year, or stage of life is a writer.  I've written since I was able to put a sentence together.  The feeling of the pen against paper is one of the most satisfying to me.  The smell of books old and new are as sweet to me as any flower.  

I went to college to become a writer.  I received my Bachelor's Degree in English with a minor in Creative Writing.  In the four years it took me to complete the degree, I can't even begin to count how many times I was asked what I actually was going to do for a living.  Many English majors have other plans - law, theater, clergy, teaching...  My answer was always - I'm going to write, read, and write about writing.  

I didn't become a "professional" writer.  I submitted to literary magazines all through college.  I had some acceptances, but nothing major.  Real life hit upon graduation and I was offered a job in a rural Kentucky school system teaching Language Arts and Social Studies.  It would give us more money than we had ever made and health insurance for me.  I took it.  It wasn't my dream, but it was something I knew I could do.  There was the possibility of happiness.  Maybe.  I earned my Master's Degree in Teaching with the specialty in secondary grades, Language Arts and Social Studies.

Then, I became pregnant and realized I couldn't give myself fully as a mother and as a teacher of others' children.  I chose to stay home.  Because of the violent way in which I was initiated into motherhood, I became passionate about women's rights in childbirth, particularly the education/information piece.  At the urging of a respected friend, I became Lamaze certified, trained to be a doula, certified as a prenatal yoga instructor, and certified as a Sacred Birth Counselor.  I've worked hard in that field for the last five years.  I've struggled to make any money with the work, but have immensely enjoyed being there for the women in this under-served region I call home.  This past week, I turned down and refunded two upcoming doula clients.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Some would probably even think it was wrong of me.  It's been a few months since I decided to no longer pursue being a birth professional for the sake of my health and well being.  Accepting that the time to do it is - right now - was a little harder.  There were so many years I would have been rejoicing at having two doula clients in one month.  I'm still honored to ever be asked to attend a birthing woman.  I was finally beginning to see the results of my efforts to grow my business and spread the word of empowered motherhood.

It is really hard for me to not feel like I'm rolling over and playing dead.  Existing and striving within a movement that has sourced your own trauma can be draining.  Given my current need to provide myself with radical self care and to reclaim the truth of who I am, I have to be honest and know that I'm not failing anyone.  I'm setting myself free.

I'm going to be a writer/editor.  It may mean that I earn money for our family through writing.  It will mean I blog here for those who are interested.  I may write about birth.  Being a writer might mean being a citizen journalist.  I could write a novel.  I am going to write a memoir.  I don't know what is ahead, but I'm not putting my dream aside any longer for all of these other very worthy things that I can do, but aren't what I am supposed to be doing now.  I'm going to claim who I've always been - a writer.

Changing the course of your life is hard.  Changing the way you are thinking about your impact on your family, community, and world is hard.  Letting go of labels and yet still finding a way to make your efforts and philosophy legitimate is a significant mental task for anyone who has never felt grandiose.  I don't have to be grandiose to have real ideas.  I don't have to be that mother, that wife, that daughter, or that friend, basing my success on how well I can copy another or follow a plan laid out in a book.  I've never been good at keeping up with the "standard".  I can stop trying to mish-mash a life from recommendations in internet articles or memes on Facebook.  I can stop trying to fix things, and start trusting me.

It is going to take time, but I will get there.  Who's with me?  
   

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