My Own Guru

Do you trust yourself to take your own hand and find the light in the darkness?  I didn't.  For the better part of the last two years, I was the last person who's judgement I trusted.  I looked here and there for advice and methods to get me through the discomfort and self loathing that consumed me.  I was so closed off that I wasn't even conscious of the extreme self loathing, and it came forth in behaviors that I couldn't explain.  

I felt if the tools I possessed worked, I wouldn't find myself in such a place as I was in - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  It seemed if I could find a tried, step by step concrete way, I could do the thing and have the power, as Emerson said.  At the very least, I could fake it until I make it.  I faked the shit out of it while my soul screeched to be heard.

In the process of trying to locate and adopt a "truer" more "authentic" practice - a way that had a legitimate history, theory, and definition (even if it was all made up by one individual), I learned many amazing things from some wonderfully gifted thinkers and creators.  Some of these things served me and kept me from falling apart.  A few of the practices have genuinely become my own.  More importantly, I was led back to myself via the lessons I derived from placing my trust outside of my inner voice.  

These things illustrated to me two major aspects of myself.  I am very strong and capable.  I am immensely driven and disciplined when I have applied my mule headed self toward a perceived destination.

From these two states, two things will happen.  I will become open to the lesson.  The lesson I need to move into the next immediate layer of my personal development.  Or, I will reach my goal.  I will succeed.  

If I go by what Mandela says, I've been learning these last few years.  For a bit, I was sad about wasted time and energy.  My negative self talk overtook dealing with the realization that I had been filling holes with elements that were not my own in avoidance of accepting that I already possessed what I needed.  This avoidance created the necessity of the lesson that scrambling for answers provided.  I felt empty and scared, looking for validation.  To acknowledge that I had the answers was a huge responsibility.  First, it was the fact that it was time to apply what I know and to do so with a different sort of discipline than I was using to keep digging.  Then, there was my identity.  My entire egoic identity has been aligned to needing to pursue healing and truth.  Who am I when I start applying it and it works?  What do I become then?  Our egos, always in search of homeostasis, hate the unknown.  It can be a scary place.  Will I even like that version of myself?

As I write, I still feel very lonely and empty.  I am choosing not to place a judgement on this state as a bad place.  It only requires my acknowledgment, willingness to spend time here without trying to fix, and patience.

What I am working on validating for myself is that I have had a very deeply rooted, safely challenging, historical, genetic, scientific, defined, and open spiritual practice since I was a child laying on moss looking up through the canopy of trees for the moon to come across the sky.

I did not believe in my ability to be my own best teacher.  It felt like if I was, I'd have already drawn the conclusions I needed to be in a better state of being.  My self worth has been so low that I based every accomplishment upon whether or not someone else authenticated it for me.  What I felt about it was pushed aside until someone could say "good job".  I didn't matter to myself.  It was only what I could prove myself to be to others.  And, the part of this acknowledgment that remains a current struggle is, what does it matter how good I feel I've done, am, or worthy of receiving, if I am experiencing it alone?  Obviously, the seeds for understanding the concept have been planted.  I haven't found the Miracle Grow.  Right now, all the being with myself is feeling boring because I have experienced loneliness my entire life.  The thing is... being lonely, being alone, and being with yourself are three different things.  They can exist separately.  I have never been comfortable being with myself.

I am feeling able to release the guilt I have felt letting go of these prescriptive methods/practices that did not flow for me, and at times felt negating to the truths that were intimate with me.  I have not failed.  I am learning a more meaningful way to view spiritual practice.  I am discovering and honoring the processes that have worked for me for a long time.  I am giving credence to the fact that instead of labeling my practice as "not enough," I need to be willing to take my practice deeper, especially if it has supported me.  I should trust my knowingness to be the proof that I need.  My connection and true passion for a practice is all I need.  I don't require a more financially secure and public person's backing to prove to me that their way is the way, unless I want to duplicate them.  To be them.

We've all heard it said that there is nothing new under the sun.  If truth is truth, then this statement without a doubt is true.  In that sense, no understanding of truth is original understanding.  None of us are unique in the ability to comprehend and obtain truth.  Our individuality comes in our expression of our understanding of truth. 

As a yoga teacher, I encourage the people who take my classes to go to classes taught by other instructors.  Do DVD practices.  Read books.  Get on YouTube.  Explore alone.  Yoga contains ancient truths which over time has been passed down through individuals dedicated to practicing and perpetuating the practice.  Each of these individuals accessed the practice in a way that made sense to them.  Therefore, they shared the practice as they had come to understand it.  Some even felt their connection to the practice so profoundly that they added truths they had discovered independently of their teacher/s.  There is no "authentic" asana yoga practice.  The only thing authentic is the truths that propelled individuals to develop asana as a tool to 

explore these truths to the highest levels possible for them in this life.  As memes have made certain ideas cliche, I point out yet another that is meaningful.  You can only lead another as far as you have led yourself.

As someone on a spiritual or yogic path, don't glue yourself to one teacher even if your goal is to master a certain branch of yoga, or type of spiritual practice.  Be present with multiple teachers so that ultimately, the exploration is your own unclouded by dogma and strong opinions.  You are your best teacher.  Anyone, any text, or any experience contributing to your learning them becomes a resource.  The only way to true understanding is the journey through yourself.  Otherwise, you're repeating a script and keeping your contribution to truth small if not hidden all together -- from yourself and the world.

I am not small.  You are not small.  We are manifestations of supreme energy with the free will to be the conductors of it.  Our ability to tap into truth comes with trusting ourselves to know it without external validation.  We must see our own capacities and accept responsibility for ourselves.

I am not chasing any more programs that box me in to rote expression.  The only practices I need are tools that help me access my own creativity and capability to live and share truth as I understand it.  There are many teachers.  There is only one set of truths, simple and Divine.